A bro’s group chat is a sacred place. It’s where lines are crossed, logistics are discussed, and insults get thrown around likes ones at a strip club.
There are no laws. No guidelines. It’s basically an internet comment section except without anonymity and you actually know the people you are berating.
One minute you’re ruthlessly mocking your buddy for showering before shitting, the next you’re all sentimental about going back to college.
So what type of guys do we find in each group chat? It’s always the same crew so I’ll be using the unique fellas of my group as a template (I may need a new group of friends after this).
1 .Witty Comment Guy
Every group chat has that one dude who can’t stop trying to make a joke. Look, we get it, you got a laugh with a joke back in high school once, but commenting so often can water down the product. To maximize your laughs, you have to pick your spots. Sit back. Wait until that perfect set up comes and then deliver. It can’t be a rushed process. This isn’t the Steve Avery trial.
2. The Wildcard
Some days you love him, some days you think he’s on cocaine. The wildcard will sneak into the group chat at the most bizarre times with obscure movie references and inside jokes you’re not even in on. What makes the wildcard an integral group member is his ability to drop knowledge while simultaneously making no sense. 4 AM on a Wednesday is usually his time. His subject matter cannot be condensed into one sentence.
To give a real life example, I wrote happy birthday to our group’s wildcard a few months ago and he responded with “at a job interview in Virginia.” I didn’t even know he was looking for work.
The Wildcard also always says he’s “down to hangout,” then goes radio silent until he shows up 3 hours late.
3. Excessive Logistic Bro
“I’ll be there in 5.” “Leaving now.” “2 minutes away.” “Almost here.” “Here.”
Just way too many messages for a simple carpool pickup exchange. Take that to the text message arena. This is a place for playful banter and underdeveloped sex jokes.
4. The Forgettable One
The Forgettable One is a staple of any group chat. Guy could go weeks on end without a word. He had successful ankle surgery. Hiked the appalachian trail. Got engaged. Got married. Was going to get divorced but then decided to stay together for the kids. Broke his ankle again playing with the kids. Had unsuccessful ankle surgery. Gave half his liver to an alcoholic. Became an alcoholic himself and asked for half his liver back.
All this in six weeks and he doesn’t say a word. Meanwhile Plans Guy is telling you about how his feelings were hurt when he wasn’t invited to after hours drinks at work.
5. Plans Guy
Every group has to have the guy to make plans. Or else nothing gets done. Plans Guy’s biggest positive is that he’s got a bevy of ideas. But the problem is the group can never agree on one activity.
Poker night? Nobody wants to shuffle. Watching a movie together? Can’t agree on which movie and also nobody wants to get up and plug in the mac extender. Just going to a movie? Requires too much effort. Go to a different bar than the one you always go to? Too much risk.
So eventually Plans Guy gets tired of making plans that never materialize and he stops making plans all together. Which turns the rest of the group against him because now they have no plans they can say no to. It’s a vicious cycle.
6. Mr. Humblebrag
“My day sucked, guys. Someone walked in on this really hot chick giving me a hand job at work. It was the worst!”
Oh yeah dude? That sounds awful. You wanna talk about it? No really tell me more, living through you is about the most action I’m getting over here.
7. Indecisive Tommy
We end with Indecisive Tommy who’s always one of the most well liked guys around. At least when he’s not asking a million questions.
“Do I throw a wink face to this Tinder girl or not?” “Should I sign this email with ‘Best’ or ‘Thanks’?” “Should I drive or drink tonight? I’ll drive. Actually no I’ll drink. Actually no I’m staying in.”
Bro just needs to make up his mind.
If I’ve missed any, let me know. I’m sure I did. Follow me on Twitter @OneSideburn.