A Girl Is Being Sued By Her Sorority For Revealing The SECRET Handshake In The Latest Threat To National Security

In this week’s edition of Greek Life Taking Themselves Too Seriously: A girl is being sued by her sorority for revealing the secret handshake, starring rich girls who have nothing better to complain about.

According to reports, Phi Sigma Sigma (where the fuck do these names come from BTW?), a sorority with 108 chapters nationwide, claims the defendant, identified as “Jane Doe” (where the fuck do these names come from BTW?), posted classified information about the sorority on the message board of the Penny Arcade website. The leaks included the secret handshake, secret knock, initiation rituals and oath they give at meetings.

Phi Sigma Sigma’s lawyers contacted the administrators of the Penny Arcade site to take down the post, but they refused. Therefore, they will file a civil lawsuit against the snitch, claiming that leaking the secrets of the sorority is a direct breach of the contract she signed at initiation. There has yet to be a monetary value attached to the lawsuit.

Are we in fucking middle school? How great must all their lives be to care this much about something so petty and inconsequential? Wanna know how many people are psyched the handshake has finally been leaked? Zero. Sorry, *one. A fifth grader at indoor recess will do it once with his snot-nosed buddy and be like “uh ya that was ok but I’m never going to do that again if I don’t want to be picked last in dodgeball.” I can’t wait until next week when a frat bitches about a traitor ex-brother who stole its collection of pogs.

[H/T Elite Daily]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.