29-year-old Ren You isn’t the luckiest when it comes to love. Despite being a good looking guy with an MBA from Harvard to boot, he made one critical life-changing mistake in the girlfriend department that I’m not sure he can recover from:
He moved to Alabama.
Not knockin’ the Crimson Tide or anything, but if you’re looking to wife someone up down in the heart of dixie your best bet is to hit up your second, first, or third cousin. If you’re really struggling to find affection I guess you could call one of your siblings, but jeez even Alabama’s gotta look down on incest at some point. That’s some backwater hills of West Virginia shit right there. Unfortunatley for Ren, he’s not blood-related (I’m assuming) to anyone down in ‘Bama which means he’s been striking out in the playing field that is love. You’d think it couldn’t be that bad, but according to Ren Alabama’s only been throwing winners his way:
If crazy old ladies spewing racist insults at you doesn’t make you wanna jet on down to sweet home Alabama, I don’t know what would. And while that little diddy makes for a great story I’m sure, the fault is on Ren for that one too — like you’re telling me that you couldn’t guess from the start whether or not the crazy old cat lady missing more teeth than brain cells is would be a bad date?
But now that Ren has finally decided that fate is a shitty cupid and that his time is better spent bribing nameless people on the Internet to get him laid, he’s decided to do what you’d least expect: spend his time bribing nameless people on the Internet to get him laid.
And now You, a Harvard MBA who works for private equity firm New Capital Partners, has decided to offer a wad of cash in exchange for anyone who can set him up with somebody he can stay with for good.
You is now soliciting matches through a website he founded for the purpose – DateRen.com.
On the site he explains the premise – that any relationship that lasts longer than six months earns the person who set it up the $10,000.
On the homepage, he wrote: ‘I moved to Birmingham last year for a job after finishing grad school. Having spent the last 12 months going on a lot of (some interesting, some dull, and a few utterly bizarre) dates, I decided to try something new.’
‘If you introduce me to a girl and I date her for more than 6 months, I’ll pay you $10,000. It’s pretty simple.
‘I save a ton of time on finding romantic prospects and going on bad dates. You make a bunch of money for something you might have done for a friend, just for fun.(via)
As for what he’s looking for in a girl, Ren says he’d like someone “intellectually curious, physically active and considers take-out food and a movie ‘a good Saturday night’.” In other words, I am his match made in heaven minus the intellectually curious part…unless getting lost in Wikipedia for 2+ hours at a time puts me in that category. I have a feeling it doesn’t, which is okay since:
1. I don’t live in Alabama
2. Ren’s been getting a lot of winners even without my grade A+ conversation skills surrounding topics including Pokemon and….stuff
He said: ‘I’m getting a lot of young professionals, people like doctors and lawyers and other sorts of folks that wouldn’t frequent a dating website normally, or people maybe too afraid of blemishing their professional image… which apparently I’m not afraid of’.
You continued: ‘It’s a little overwhelming, even at that level, because I’ve got like, work to do.
But it’s been good so far. I’m trying to find a balance so far between actual results and ridicule.’(via)
Internet pro tip for ya Ren: there is no balance between actual results and ridicule. The Internet is just one big joke that separates people into two categories: those who are in on it, and those who aren’t.
[H/T Daily Mail]