I kid. I went to Virginia Tech, so I get to make these jokes. It's an awesome school and I loved it, even if the alumni are as distrubingly sycophantic to Frank Beamer as any Penn State fan was to Joe Paterno.
The school's long-time president, Charles Steger, is stepping down in May, and Tech is searching for his replacement. My friends at In The Capital unearthed the application. If you have the following criteria: are an old, white male; you will probably merit at least some consideration. Women and people of color need not apply (this is the American South, after all) (Cue Hokies bitching despite the fact that their best friend owns a a Confederate flag hat).
You can email the search committee at firstname.lastname@example.org. If in lieu of a resume, you attach a photo of you bonging a beer, please cc me (email@example.com). I will start a grassroots campaign on your behalf.
[H/T In The Capital]