6 Things That You Will Inevitably Steal While You’re Piss Drunk In College
Hi there Brobible readers, it’s Bread Foster. You might remember me as the guy Buzzfeed called “The Worst Person In The World” and ladies website Refinary29 referred to as “The Real Life Joffery” for my Game Of Thrones Trolling on Brobible. You may also recognize me as the guy whose articles you’ve read and never recognized the author. Well, I wrote a book. It’s called Dude, Bro The How to College Guide Your Parents Don’t Want You To Have. It’s available here and BroBible is going to show you little pieces of the book for a while. Please enjoy.
Grand Theft Academics: Stealing is Only Awesome While Drinking
I’m a hypocrite. I know I am because I make fun of the very thing I go on to admit is fun in other parts of this book.
Drinking and stealing go together like the South and racism, the South and oversized portions, the South and . . . basically, the South sucks. Drinking leads to loose morals and huge ball sacks, so naturally you have the inclination to take shit for no reason. It’s immature and stupid, but anyone who says it’s not fun should be pushed in front of a crash landing jet. It’s stupid and you’re probably not going to use any of the shit, but it’s still fun. You’re going to do it eventually. Even one of my more moral roommates picked up a case of Red Bull from a school store and walked off with it, which made him a hero at the party. So here are the best, and kind-of safest, things you’re going to inevitably steal.
Road Cones. It’s stupid, it’s unexplainable, but it’s incredibly fun to steal these stupid florescent pylons. Nothing really feels as free as hopping into your friend’s car after you’ve jammed one of these worthless pieces of junk into the trunk and giggling together. Think about it, that’s maybe two dollars worth of plastic you’ve stolen, but the symbolism is enormous. You’ve stolen from the government, man. You did more than steal a road cone. You took something back from a government that oppresses people. Actually, you really just stole a road cone and that’s kind of silly. There is absolutely nothing awesome to do with a road cone, it just sits there and looks obnoxious. You can try funneling beer through it, but that doesn’t really work. The act of stealing it is way better than the aftermath. Throw it in your parents’ attic until you get your first apartment, then be an asshole and use the cone to save your street parking spot at your first real place.
Construction Signs. These look like they’d make great decorations, until you realize they’re too hard to hang on the wall. Also realize they are a bitch to steal if they’re not already on the ground. The people who put these things up make it harder on you by bending the bolt and nut. If you’re going to steal a road sign, it takes effort so make sure you get one of the good signs. Taking a “Blind Child in Area” sign means no one will see it’s gone. Besides, letting people know there is a blind kid in the area won’t stop someone stupid enough to hit a child with their car, it will just let them know a hit-and-run is plausible. “Deaf Child” is okay too. Just because they’re deaf doesn’t mean they’re stupid. Sure they can’t hear a honking horn, but they can still look both ways. If a deaf kid gets killed because of a missing sign, it just means evolution would have taken him out eventually anyway. The best ones are “Speed Hump” or “Do Not Enter,” putting those on the door of someone you hate with epoxy leads to days worth of hilarity.
Pint Glasses. These aren’t glasses, they’re trophies. Steal as many of these as possible. This is the one thing you steal in college that makes its way to adulthood. For the rest of your life, you can look at the pint glasses you’ve stolen and remember the days before you had a shitty nine-to-five job and wanted to kill yourself. There is zero harm in stealing these, besides being an awful cost burden on the bar you steal from. But who cares, when one bar closes another one usually opens and you’ll have a pint glass to remember them by.
Bottles of Booze at Parties. Yes, this sucks. It’s awful when it happens to you, but so is the fact anyone wasted a night at your shitty party. Proper planning and care goes into a great party and, since you were oblivious, someone is going to steal bottles of booze. This goes both ways. Showing up at a crap party means you have the social responsibility to let them know how awful they are. Stealing booze shortens the party and lets people know they suck. Crush their soul so they think everyone hates them and they drop out of college. If you don’t do it, a sophomore-level class will. Bottle Karma is a real thing, for every bottle you take you’ll get one stolen from you, etc. That’s why you go for big scores and try to steal five or six bottles at once. Karma will pay you back positively, if you throw a much better bash with them.
Behymens. I can’t stress this enough, college is a time to experiment. Things are going to accidentally end up in holes and you’re going to take someone’s behyment. What you give is what you get, so try a finger up there if you’re going to give a finger up there. Butt stuff is harder to get as people get older and gain self-worth. It can be impossible to do for weeks on end as a full-fledged adult. People actually get self-confidence around the age of twenty-six, so practice everything while people still feel bad enough about themselves to let you. It’s a two-way street. If you’ve thought about trying it, there is someone in a class or on the Internet who’ll do that for you. Stick a finger in every hole until you figure out who you really are.
Drinks. Sometimes chugging vodka in your car before you get to a bar isn’t enough to make the night manageable, and that six bucks you have in your bank account won’t help. This is when the art of stealing a drink comes in handy. Gobe (from a story or two in this book) once got drunk at a concert by bringing a long straw and drinking from people’s glasses while they held it. No matter how you do it, it’s dickish. Make sure you take the glass with you at a bar so the person you stole it from can blame a bus boy or bartender for stealing it. Bear Grylls can go fuck himself. College kids know how to survive on nothing.
Let’s all join together in the comments section and let me, Bread Foster, know how you feel. Either way, if you want more stories and advice from a guy who got a 3.5 average and a 0% attendance record pick up my book here.
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