the weeper, the sleeper and the keeper

​We all love to categorize things. People these days are

trying to label things less and less but really there’s a name for everything.
It’s all the same shit, whether it’s politically correct or not. We used to
partake in sex, drugs and rock n roll but all we got left is aids, crack and
techno. And “pansexuals” …whatever that means. My point is, no matter how many
girls you meet, no matter how many different colleges you visit or parties you
attend, every woman you put moves on will fall into one of three categories.
The keeper, the weeper or the sleeper.


The weeper

Ah, the girls who turn on the waterworks. These girls will
text you at three in the morning and you think it’s a booty call but when you
show up BAM she’s drunk and crying about her ex boyfriend. Or her broken nail.
Or the end of the pumpkin spice latte season. Do NOT get trapped by these
girls. They will cry during sex, after sex and any other time you’ll be there
to listen. What’s your move? Tell her that crying isn’t beautifully tragic and
no ones going to find her in a library reading Bukowski and want to marry her.
Or avoid the situation. Tell her you’ve started seeing someone else, and that
whatever you shared was cool and all but you’re not “emotionally ready because
she’s so much more mature than you”. Greatest back handed compliment ever. And
if she tells you she’ll wait; run. Run for the hills.



The sleeper

We all know a girl (or twelve) like this. They’re mediocre
in bed and stay longer than they’re welcome. There are tell tale signs to look
out for; after sex she’ll start yawning and making comments like “lets snuggle”
or “I’m suuuper tired”. She’ll try tempt you with the promise of round two but
don’t fall for the spooning trick.  You
don’t wanna be a dick and kick her out, but you don’t want yet another night of
sharing your twin xl. What’s the perfect move here? Tell her you want to “build
up to her staying over because you want it to be special the first time you
wake up together”. Women eat that shit up.


The keeper

Finally, someone who is on the same page as you. It doesn’t
matter what that page (or book) is, she could be a hook up, a friends with
benefits, a girl you sometimes take to formals cause she’s cute, a dirty little
secret, a relationship or even someone you take home to the parental unit.
There will be a keeper for every single one of your random desires; it’s just a
matter of finding her. What’s your move? You’ll lessen your chances of picking
up weepers and sleepers if you don’t use your smooth moves on women in Starbucks,
the library or any large retail stores.



Stick to gyms, beaches, night clubs and bars. If you’re in between
women or can’t find the perfect one, hit up your favorite porn site or
magazine. There’s nothing wrong with spending some quality “you” time. After all,
nothing is worse than sticking your dick in crazy.