I’d like to preface this by saying that if someone handed me a free ticket to Coachella, I’d immediately trade in my cargo shorts and bacon-collared polo shirt I’ve had since 2006 for a vintage rock and roll tee and ripped black jeans. I’d also trade my name to Colt or Cody and tell everyone who looked in my direction that I was a retired Vine star who used to play drums for Tame Impala but left the band due to “creative differences” and a debilitating drug problem (cocaine, not meth) that stunted me from reaching my full potential.
Buuuuuut, no one invited me, never mind paid for my ticket, so the next best thing to do is tear the credibility of the festival to shreds so I can feel better about myself.
So without further ado, here are the 15 most egregious photos of Coachella 2019. What losers!! *weeps into a pillow*
Bucket-brimmed hats: When typical girls want you to think that they could possibly be famous or at the very least verified on Instagram.
On Saturday at Coachella, it was ‘Fuckbois Vape For Free’ day.
Coachella Hack: Don’t smile in any of your pictures so people think you’re there for work, promoting a protein tea brand, rather than draining your dad’s retirement fund so you and your friend Ashlee could cop VIP tickets and try to give Jake Paul a handjob.
If Mad Max listened to Maroon 5:
One or all of these girls called me a loser in high school and I definitely haven’t harbored any resentment 10 years later.
The first time a member of a marching band incited an erection.
If I were a vulgar man, I would say that it looks like a unicorn finished on her chest, but I’m 31 years old now and have a moderately sound investment portfolio.
Wanna see a magic trick?
Close your eyes.
Think of the most Basic, cliche Coachella photo your mind can muster.
Now open them.
Is this the image that flashed before your eyes. Call me fucking Chris Angel.
I don’t know what band this is but it looks like One Direction fucked Creed and their offspring was gearing up to rob a Sweet Green.
“How many pills of molly did you pop?”
What do you have to go through in childhood to take yourselves this seriously in adulthood?
I think you took a wrong turn, sweetheart. Warped Tour is back that way.
Sommmmmeone doesn’t support our troops……
Fuck, how did my shithead little cousin scoop tickets to Coachella. It seems like yesterday I was driving him to the mall so he could play Dance, Dance Revolution.
NAME ONE MORRISSEY SONG, TRAVIS!
Goddamnit. Coachella 2020 is my YEAR!