5 Virginities Every Bro Should Lose Before They Turn 30

So often we hear the older generation lament on the things they wish they could go back and do if they had the knowledge or resources or courage. In 20 years when our metabolisms have already come to a screeching halt and our crying babies have destroyed the final traces of our uninspired sex lives, we’re all going to collectively throw on our high school letterman jackets, hop in the front seat of our family-friendly mini vans, take one long pull from an unlabeled alcohol, and say to ourselves, “Damn I had life by the balls back then and I didn’t even know it.”

This is unavoidable.

What I’m hoping to achieve today is to light a spark under your asses and give you some milestones to check off before you’re too old and bitter to attend your daughter’s dance recital. So, without further ado, here are 5 virginities every bro should lose before they turn 30.

Your Virginity.

Lets start with the obvious here. Sex is why we’re alive and if you aren’t having it, you’re a hindrance to the evolution of man. Plain and simple. Be careful, though. Getting a taste of that sweet nectar can be a blessing and a curse. After having it, you no longer making decisions for yourself, your tummy banana does. It has taken over the helm and is alone at the wheel, turning on your ex-girlfriend’s street at 3 am on a Tuesday while her grandparents are crashing on the pullout couch. Speaking of pullout, learn that term and abide by it. But that’s for another day.

If you aren’t too keen on sex after learning that it will be the sole motivator in your life, just have it and then you’ll understand.

Take A Bro Trip To Las Vegas.

Las Vegas serves as a rite of passage for any friend group. You don’t really know your boys until you spend a long weekend in Sin City. You know that friend who wears strictly free t-shirts, rocks cargo shorts and socks with sandals? Yeah that dude is going to stroll through the Vegas casinos in a three piece suit, hair slicked back tighter than 2017 Ben MacAdoo, smelling of success and rich mahogany. You know that friend who is too cheap to ever throw in for gas or booze? That dude is going to be throwing his 401k on the blackjack table on a Tuesday morning with a pack of foxes screaming his name. And that sexually reserved friend of yours? He’s going to have more sex in 48 hours than he’ll have for the rest of his life. God bless that man.

Many of us lead an everyday life that requires decorum and professionalism. Las Vegas reminds us just how trivial all that shit is. Sometimes an ill-advised face tattoo and throwing that week’s paycheck on black can be a lot more liberating than a promotion at your soul-sucking job.

30-Day No Masturbation Challenge.

Hey hey hey hear me out. If I can do it, believe me, so can you.

I went the entire month of May without unleashing the Kraken after commiserating with my roommates about how we’ve become desensitized to porn and masturbation was becoming a necessary chore before falling asleep. In all honesty, I had about as much faith I could complete this challenge as I would Jason Pierre-Paul winning a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. And the first 10 days were harder than the SATs, the lady on the maple syrup bottle was starting to give me the ‘fuck me’ eyes. But after that, my mind gave up craving it, and the residual benefits from refraining from jackin’ the beanstalk included:

  • Increased energy leading to a more productive me
  • Clearer thinking
  • Woke up feeling well-rested
  • Bragging to my degenerate, crank-hungry friends
  • Zero post-mastubation guilt

I also won $100 because my roommate flogged his dolphin on the 21st day, losing the bet. Free money feels so good. Fries at the bottom of the bag.

With that said, lets just say clean up on June 1st was a little arduous…

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Conquer A Fear.

"The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."

Many of us, myself included, go through life within the boundaries of our comfort zones. Wake up, go to work, gym, dinner, 3-10 beers, sleep, rinse, repeat. We avoid potentially fulfilling things that scare us because we get enveloped in the daily everyday grind and because it’s always easier not to rock the boat. What we’re refusing to realize is that we’re constantly missing opportunities to grow, get better. They say life begins at the end of your comfort zone so go out there and dare to bomb an open mic. Talk to the girl. Ask for the raise. Buy that stock. Tell your parents what they mean to you. Every thing you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.

And remember, in the end, we all die, and nothing really matters.

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Place A Bet.

I’m the frugal type, so the idea of throwing my money on the hunch of an educated guess was a bit of a hump to overcome. That was until last year, when BroBible partnered up with the online sports betting site called MYBookie. My friends had had good experiences on the site and were able to pocket some cash so I thought I’d join the craze, because I’m a sheepish follower. Not only have I won some much needed beer money out of it, but the whole act of betting makes otherwise meaningless games wayyyy more lit. I never thought I’d say this, but I’ve had some wild adrenaline rushes over a week 10 Cleveland Browns game.

If you haven’t dipped your beak in the betting game, I highly suggest it. You don’t need to venture into degenerate territory, but just to FEEL ALIVE AGAIN, MAN!

And lucky for you, MYBookie is making it very enticing for new bettors by offering a hefty 100% sign-up bonus with the promo code BROBIBLE when you add up to $1000 to your account. In other words, for every dollar you put into your account upon signing up, MYBookie will match up to $1,000. Free money to fund your fondness for adult beverages and other sinful activities. I’ll take it.

Sign Up Here bruh, and feel free to Venmo me some of those winnings for the hot tip. You’re not the only one with the alcohol problem.

Steal Your Grandmother’s Jewelry, Sell It, And Throw The Proceeds On Thursday Night’s Football Game.

Just kidding, dude. Don’t do that to your sweet gramma.

But if we’re being real, you could probably get away with it…

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.