Artie Lange tested positive for several drugs including cocaine this week, but the real story is WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ARTIE LANGE’S NOSE!?!?!
Comedian Artie Lange seems to be an absolutely genuinely nice guy, but he has been plagued by drug abuse his entire life. Because of decades of drug abuse, he is left with a reverse Pinocchio nose and is the poster boy for why you should not snort cocaine and heroin. Thankfully, everyone’s favorite Baby Gorilla was able to poke fun at his nose or lack thereof.
Artie, more than ever, has a face made for radio. It’s almost as though doctors reconstructed his nose for the sole purpose as to make it as difficult as possible for him to snort coke.
You may ask, “What is he doing — snorting glass?” Unfortunately, that’s exactly what Artie did. Last December, Lange’s nose became comically swollen. Apparently, his nose became enlarged after one tragic incident where he snorted smashed OxyContin tablets that also had shards of glass. After that glass-sniffing mistake and years of snorting cocaine and heroin Artie’s septum was destroyed.
In a video from The Joe Rogan Experience, Joe and fellow comedian Ari Shaffir discussed Artie’s messed up schnoz.
Recently, Artie had surgery on his nose. Last week he said his “nose is fucked” and joked, “My nose is grotesque. I don’t look like David Beckham. I look like the ball he kicks around!”
All joking aside, this really illustrates how addiction can be pure torture for some people. Despite numerous health scares, Artie couldn’t help himself from abusing drugs even if it meant that his nose would be caved in. Lange even collapsed on stage last year and required emergency surgery.
On Friday, The former Howard Stern Show star appeared at court in Superior Court in Newark, New Jersey. The stand-up comedian tested positive for multiple drugs including cocaine, amphetamine, benzodiazepines, and Suboxone. Lange’s lawyer Frank Arelo told Judge Nancy Sivilli that his client had prescriptions for the benzos and amphetamine. Suboxone is used to treat opioid addiction.
Lange is serving four years of probation after pleading guilty to heroin possession. Assistant Prosecutor Tony Gutierrez said Lange would have had to use cocaine within the last two days in order to test positive according to NJ.com. Lange said “heroin is out of my life” and he “wouldn’t be arrogant enough to come in here after using cocaine for two days.” Artie, who is 51-years-old going on 76, avoided jail time for now.
Lange pleaded his case on Twitter and admitted that he used cocaine within 10 days after getting out of rehab. Artie warned others: “Suboxen don’t try it.” The stand-up comedian who appears on the HBO show Crashing also said, “I’d be giving them no choice. When I use illegal drugs I have to score them. That’s breaking the law.”
Let’s hope Artie can confront and defeat his demons once and for all because he does have a heart of gold and performs at a ton of charity events around the country as well as brings joy to so many other people.