Burning Man 2017 Is Underway, So Here Are The 10 Photos From The Hippy Festival That Sum It Up Perfectly

Full disclosure: my knowledge of Burning Man is limited. My naive assessment of the event is that it’s Halloween for rich homeless people. Like they could afford a home, but they choose to sleep in a hammock behind a pilates studio and eat acorns but drink $12 acai berry smoothies. I also believe that it is the only event in the world that attracts both the ugliest people in the world and the hottest. The only place where you can find Emily Ratajkowski mingling with my middle school music teacher with a braided rat tail and gingivitis. Also, it’s the best place in the world to see a grown man’s penis. Actually most of the penises are swallowed up by three decades of abandoned pubic hair. Again, I have zero first-hand accounts from Burning Man, this is just how I fantasize it being. I fantasize about pubic hair afros on strange men. This is a conversation I need to have privately with myself.

In any event, 70,000 people have descended upon the Black Rock Desert 120 miles north of Reno, Nevada for the nine-day festival that is Burning Man. We are currently on day 3 and I’ve taken the liberty of compiling 10 photos that I reinforce my views of the festival. Enjoy.

The only thing less appealing to me than yoga is yoga in a dust storm.

“Job requires 3-5 years of experience cutting off your parents. Proficiency in Microsoft Excel preferred as well.”

“Come over.”
“Can’t, I’m at Burning Man.”
“Mom’s making pizza rolls.”
I was super attracted to this girl until the dude over her left shoulder signaled that she just crop dusted the desert.

I don’t know one thing about this girl except that there’s a -3% chance I could hang with her in the sack.

I’m starting to think that I should have grabbed my acoustic guitar and a carton of American Spirits and gone to Burning Man…

Is it too late to get tickets??

Avatar meets Lisa Frank…

Dicks out for the boys. That’s a thing right? That people say? On the web?

Dad? I thought you were on a golf trip with your college buddies? I guess this explains why you and mom sleep in separate beds.

I’ve officially decided to punch my ticket to Burning Man 2018.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.