Compliments Are Canceled


Hello from the other side.

On this side, up is down, hotdogs are sandwiches, Finkle isn’t Einhorn, and the Cleveland Browns are back-to-back Super Bowl champions.

Over here, your compliments are insults. We heap shame on those who recognize another’s commitment and sacrifice. These are dirty words and those who brandish them shall be met with death by one million subtweets.

Let’s demonstrate this cardinal sin in practice.

In this world, Adele is still a superstar because the voice of God can be heard throughout the universe. Even E.T. cries when he hears Hometown Glory, a cross-galaxy masterpiece.

Adele made the commitment to shed weight, and you humanoids may even be tempted to say she looks “stunning.”


Don’t do this. Don’t be weak. Remember Rule 1: Everything Is Canceled. And scold those who aren’t in pursuit of shaming and blaming.


“Adele! Happy birthday! You have a body!”

“Hello, Adele. Your entire body changed but I choose to ignore that very obvious, objective fact because someone told me that traditional standards attractiveness and woke ones are mutually exclusive. My name is Bob but my wife calls me Unbuttered Popcorn during sex.” 

“Adele, as someone who made a commitment to lose weight myself, I know that unseasoned chicken breasts taste like umbilical cords, but less moist, and the habitual resolve needed to achieve this goal should be applauded. With that said, Fuck You.”

“I like lamp.” 

Those who do not wish to fall in line, you have no place here on The Other Side. Get in your space shuttle and be gone.

Or just delete Twitter.


SIDENOTE: Can you imagine going to a pool party after getting in the best shape of your life and no one bowing at your feet? Like no one says boo. I would demolish a burger with no bun and then dive into the shallow end. That would break me.