There, I just saved you a ton of time clicking around the internet. Everything is cancelled! Basketball, Hollywood, Traveling, you fucking name it — cancelled, cancelled, cancelled. Cancelled as shit. Unholy levels of cancel. Cancel-Rex. Cancelpocalypse. Lord of the Cancel: Return of the Cancelling. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cancel!”. Name’s Bond…. Cancel Bond. All work and no Cancel makes Jack a dull boy.
Not picking up your dog’s shit? Cancelled.
Handshakes? Cancelled AF.
Back-to-back YouTube ads? Cancelled.
Harvey Weinstein? MEGA cancelled.
People who share their Peloton workouts on social media? Cancelled.
Johnny Depp? He was cancelled, but then he was sort of uncancelled, but now — like everything else — he’s definitely cancelled.
Trusting a fart? As cancelled as the day is long.
Cord-cutting ultimately proving to be more expensive than regular cable? Cancelled.
Escaping from your kids because of the sweet reprieve that is a school day? Cancelled.
Gambling? Cancelled! Holy shit… this one’s not funny.
Having to wait to play Call of Duty because it needs to download an update? Cancelled.
2020? Actually, it seems like it’s cancelling us.
Chipotle charging extra for guac? Cancel that shit.
The episodes of The Office without Michael Scott? CANCELLED.
Not wiping down the equipment at the gym? Cancelled.
Dad’s who come out of the bathroom at the restaurant as they dry their hands on their jeans and say “ready to rock and roll?” ? Cancelled.
Uber Drivers making unwanted conversation? Cancelled.
The Netflix series Lost In Space? Literally cancelled earlier this week.
Ben Affleck’s alcohol addiction? Cancelled.
Commuting to work on an overcrowded apparatus of public transportation? Cancelled.
Asking Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp about the coronavirus? Cancelled.
White Claws? While we’re at it… also cancelled!
The Bachelor? Please, for the love of god and for the sake of our collective societal intelligence, somebody please cancel that shit.
Cancelling? Well, we’ve got ourselves some good old fashioned cancelception here, because cancelling has now also been… CANCELLED.
Unfortunately, though, according to co-worker Matt, as a result of this blog, I, too, am CANCELLED. RIP me, I’ve been cancelled into the ether, Thanos-dust style.
Eric is a New York City-based writer who still isn’t quite sure how he’s allowed to have this much fun for a living and will tell anyone who listens that Gotham City is canonically in New Jersey. Follow him on Twitter @eric_ital for movie and soccer takes or contact him firstname.lastname@example.org