Dr. Pepper Announces Nationwide Shortage And Americans Are Scrambling To Find Another Way To Ruin Their Day

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I knew a guy once who drank a Dr. Pepper completely sober on a weekday afternoon. Just spun the cap off and decided he’d had enough of that particular Tuesday. He was gainfully employed too, believe it or not, and was not performing a Jackass stunt. I haven’t seen him in years, but I heard he killed a guy over the last pair of gas station sunglasses.

If there’s any consolation for spending the rest of your life behind bars, it’s that they don’t have Dr. Pepper on the outside either.

The brand, established in 1885, announced a shortage of the 23-flavor beverage on Twitter this week in the wake of increased demand for the carbonated day-ender.

“Having trouble finding your favorite Dr Pepper product? We’re doing everything we can to get it back into your hands. That means working with our distribution partners to keep shelves stocked nationwide, while ensuring the safety of our employees.”

The American Beverage Association told CNN that the shortage is the result of the global health crisis in conjunction with soda sales increasing consistently over the last four years.

“Beverages in convenient take-home packages like aluminum cans are particularly popular right now, and beverage company employees are doing all they can to make sure store shelves remain fully stocked.”

In response to the shortage, Americans with goatees, chain wallets, and tattoos dedicated to a women they’re no longer with are stocking up on the fizzy beverage by the elevated truckload.

America doesn’t rebuild, we reload. NEXT MAN UP!


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