The kids are in the backseat. We’re driving back to their mom’s house.
My daughter announces “umm, dad, I have a problem” and I glance at the rearview mirror and see a stream of blood springing from her nose like she’s cosplaying Eleven from Stranger Things.
She’s calm though. My son is calm too, reminding us both this “used to happen to him in school all the time.”
The bleeding stops after a minute.
Earlier in the morning, she complained of a headache. I’m remembering this fact while thinking about her bloody nose and now my brain is playing WebMD and I’m working through at least a hundred different scenarios.
What if it’s Covid? What if it’s brain cancer? What if it’s all my fault and if I just listened when she said she had a headache and took her to the emergency room immediately then a possibly awful outcome could have been avoided.
While drifting off into mental panic I almost drifted into oncoming traffic and swerved back into my lane before hitting another car.
I worried about her condition for the rest of the car ride.
We pull into the driveway and she sprints out of the car and joins a group of neighborhood kids standing around in the street.
Later that night, I find her bloody tissues on the floor of my car.
I’m going to kill her the next time I see her.
Here are the funniest tweets and memes from dads this week.
Her: [laughs] you're such a DORK!
Her: [sighs] you're such an IDIOT.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) January 22, 2021
While playing with my 4yo he put me in a pretend “jail” but honestly as a dad of three that feels kind of redundant
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 21, 2021
Trying to raise your kid to be a good person is so exhausting, no wonder the world is full of assholes
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 21, 2021
My brother just found out he's having another kid. He's playing it pretty cool, but let's see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 21, 2021
Work is closed today but I came into the office just to change everyone's family photos on their desks to illustrations from the Kama Sutra
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 22, 2021
Wish I could do Photoshop because I would put Bernie in places that no one would find funny and my memes would get no likes and I would descend deeper into sadness
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) January 21, 2021
14yo daughter: Dad, where is a tape measure? I need one for a school project.
Me: Um, right here in my pocket actually.
14yo, stunned: That is the most dad thing I have ever seen.
Me: I’m kinda impressed with myself.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) January 22, 2021
me: you ever imagine your life is a commercial
her: lol no that’s crazy
me: [looks to camera] what’s crazy are these low low prices
— tom (@pilau) January 20, 2021
My 5-year-old yelled, "What's your problem!" at her favorite stuffed animal, so clearly one of them is going through some things.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2021
I like Tony Romo so much that I feel bad for hating his guts for so many years
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) January 17, 2021
My wife can't remember the Netflix password she changed last week, but can remember what I said on March 5, 2014.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 21, 2021
10: "Dad, I have a question."
Him: "Do people spontaneously combust?"
Him: "Oh. Well that's a relief."
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) January 19, 2021
Had to use a day of vacation to catch up on reading all the emails from my kids’ schools.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2021
All I want is someone who’ll tell me I’m beautiful and organize my tupperware cabinet.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 21, 2021
One year, I powered my house with only the release of farts held in during a first date.
— Jason Not Evil (@JasonNotEvil) January 22, 2020