I have a small apartment. We’re not allowed to have pets.
Due to renovation work being done at my ex-wife’s house, the family cat has been crashing at my place for a few months.
The cat takes wicked dumps. They’re so bad I sometimes think that I crapped my pants or a sewage truck overturned in the parking lot. I actually need to flush the turds and then spray the bathroom as though a human just used the facilities.
This morning, we both had to move our bowels at the same time. I was in the bathroom first. He doesn’t care.
He turns his back to me, drops anchor, and then starts kicking it around like he’s in a hackysack circle.
He leaves and I’m left smelling his morning evacuation.
He wins. Again.
Here are the funniest tweets and memes from dads this week.
I’m getting concerned because my local bar called and asked if I wanted my normal curbside order.
It’s nice when people think of you.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) December 10, 2020
Me: Wanna fool around?
Wife: Ugh. I haven't showered in a day and a half, haven't shaved in a week, I'm gassy, and I still haven't brushed my teeth yet.
Me: So is that a yeah or-
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 10, 2020
10-year-old: Can I FaceTime with my friend?
Me: Where are you going to do it from?
10: A room that's clean.
Me: Go ahead.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2020
Overheard my third grader’s class. They were discussing context clues in a passage about iguanas. The teacher paused to address a question from the chat, “No, Stephanie. Batman doesn’t have powers, he has gadgets.”
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) December 10, 2020
I see everybody talking about "next year" like it's a sure thing.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 11, 2020
One Christmas tradition we have is when a roll of tape runs out we keep the empty one with all of the wrapping stuff so it frustrates everyone.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 9, 2020
If I'm not careful, the kids will notice the Elf's likelihood of moving is inversely related to the amount of wine I have with dinner.
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) December 9, 2020
i’ll change a tire in front of another man’s wife and kids idgaf, that’s my family now
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) December 8, 2020
parent twitter be like "poop smells bad fuck them kids i haven't slept" 100000 likes.
— Dad That Writes ☕ (@dadthatwrites) December 10, 2020
Started cutting my kids’ vitamins in half because I’m worried if they get too strong they will bully me even more
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) December 9, 2020
My toddler called the daycare provider a “fucking liar” and then blamed the bad language on me but in my defence my toddler is a fucking liar
— Jonesy The Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) December 8, 2020