Welcome to another installment of dads making jokes while slowly losing their minds.
In unrelated news, I woke this morning just stinking. Full disclosure, I’ll typically wake up with a little bit of funk under the pits but today was an Italian hoagie-level stink.
Did I do some cardio in the middle of the night? Was I running in my dreams? Did someone crank the heat at 2 am, only to turn it down before I woke up? (This would be impossible, I live alone.)
I was forced to take a shower much earlier in the day than I planned. Since I work from home and we’ve had 32 straight days of snow, I typically shower on Tuesdays. A Friday shower is a rare occurrence.
Need someone to solve: My 3-year-old wanted 1 waffle. It was warmed up & cut into 16 tiny squares. He eats one square & then doesn't want anymore because the waffle is too fluffy. How many times do I hit myself with a frying pan to render myself unconscious?
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) February 19, 2021
If you’re thinking about becoming a dad just keep in mind that you are going to get hit in the junk a LOT
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 19, 2021
the gym reopened today after being shutdown since Monday because of ice and snow. i ate reeses today instead. the gym will be there tomorrow, reeses may not. can't chance that
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 18, 2021
What if humans were described like cars? I’m a 1985 Caucasian Irishmen
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) February 9, 2021
My son found a chocolate wrapper this morning and started interrogating me about it. I realized my wife and I basically run an underground speakeasy from 8-11 every night and we’re trying not to get caught by our two toddler landlords.
— Scott Reintgen (@Scott_Thought) February 15, 2021
PARENTING MATH PROBLEM:
One 4 year old attempts to fill a 10 ounce cup with water from the fridge. How many gallons are spilled in the process?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 17, 2021
Me: Man, I don't know how this day could get any worse.
My brain: Hey remember that Spandau Ballet song "True" from 1983?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 19, 2021
Watching my kids load the dishwasher is like watching monkeys try and write Shakespeare. Statistics say eventually they’ll get it right, but I don’t have a billion years to wait.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) February 18, 2021
To my kids, this counts as "throwing away the pizza box."
So close. pic.twitter.com/D0BgbGoTJX
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 18, 2021
“This house would be so clean if none of you lived here.”
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) February 18, 2021
You know how pantry shelves are a certain size? What if we make our family size boxes just a little bigger than that.
Cereal Executive: First of all, I love it…
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 18, 2021
I asked my students today what keeps them motivated. One of them said "spite."
— Dr. Chris Jones, pickle friend (@ProfChrisMJones) February 15, 2021
While travel is discouraged during a pandemic, you can still take your family on a guilt trip.
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) February 18, 2021
Know a dad I need to follow on Twitter or Instagram? Let me know in the comments.