25 Funny-As-Hell Tweets And Memes From Dads This Week

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Twitter / @chrisilluminati

I was forced to buy a new phone this week.

I knew the time had come when the Calendar app just up and disappeared, text messages deleted three years ago magically reappeared, the phone wouldn’t take or save photos, and my kid’s stopped asking to play with it because “it’s a piece of shit.” (Their words)

The only thing I cared about transferring from the old phone to the new phone was my contacts. For some reason, these 3,657 names and emails seemed important.

I was wrong. I ended up deleting over 90%. It was an insane look back at my life over the last ten years.

Old girlfriends, people with just a first name, formers coworkers, people I sold stuff to on Facebook and Craigslist, nine different women named Jen, and over at least a thousand people of whom I have zero recollection.

These people were erased from my life for good (or just a while).

If you text me, and my first few responses are odd, it’s because I erased your number and I’m not sure who the hell I’m talking to, and I’m too embarrassed to say “I didn’t know you well enough to keep your number.”

Either that or my kids have my phone because it’s not a piece of shit anymore.

Here are some more dads having a hell of a week.


Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling. Reach out to him on Instagram & Twitter.