Update: The cocaine possession charges against Shai Werts quarterback are being dropped.
Back before the invention of weed pens, getting caught with the devil’s lettuce was far too common of an occurrence in our fine nation, especially among foolish teenagers like my friends and I.
But no matter how many times we ultimately got caught, I can promise you we never considered trying to tell the cops that we were merely toting around a bag of oregano.
The fact is, if you’re already caught, the only thing that can make your situation worse is concocting some sort of overly elaborate lie. Unfortunately for Georgia Southern, quarterback Shai Werts had to learn that lesson the hard way.
According to the Saluda County Sheriff’s Office incident report, obtained by The New York Post, Werts — a quarterback on the Georgia Southern University football team — was arrested on Wednesday, July 31 after police pulled him over for speeding. As he was being stopped, police found a “white powder” on the hood of his car — a Dodge Charger — that tested positive for cocaine during a field test.
However, according to Werts, the substance was actually just “bird poop” that he failed to clean off days prior.
Werts, 21, said the substance was bird poop he tried to clean at a car wash two days earlier and had no idea where cocaine would’ve come from, per the incident report, which said it appeared there was an attempt to clean the substance by the windshield wipers as some of it was near the washer fluid dispensary. [New York Post]
My question is: why would there be cocaine on the hood of his Dodge to begin with? A botched disposal attempt?
And, like I said earlier, once you’re caught, it’s better to just shut the hell up and be as much of a kiss-ass as possible, as opposed to crafting a lie so preposterous that it insinuates you think the cop is a real Grade-A idiot.
“Yes, Mr. Officer who went through years of intense police training about this sort of thing, I know your scientific field test says this mysterious white substance is Bolivian Marching Powder, but it’s actually just super stubborn bird shit that even the cleanliest of car washes couldn’t scrub off. Sorry for the confusion, I’ll be on my way now.”
That said, all in all, this arrest is typical of a regular college kid and really isn’t that big of a deal. College kids mess around and make mistakes, shit happens. Let the kid pay his fines and move on with his life.
So, do you think you have the policing intellect to decipher between the two white substances? Let’s play our new favorite game, “Cocaine or Bird Poop”!:
#1
#2
#3
#4
#5
#6
Answers: 1) Poop. 2) Cocaine. 3) Cocaine. 4) Poop. 5) Poop. 6) Cocaine.