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If I had to look back on the truly batshit insane year that was 2017, it would be virtually impossible for me to point to any one particular event as the most absurd. However, I can safely say that nothing else that occurred over the year gave me more joy than the seemingly never-ending saga of Fyre Festival, the ill-fated gathering of easily influenced Instagram users that reminded the entire world Ja Rule was still alive.
In September, New York City was host to what was eventually dubbed “The Fyre Festival of Pizza,” and over the weekend a number of people in a first-world country on the other side of the pond got a chance to briefly experience the disappointment that many people in third-world countries deal with every day.
According to The Guardian, a number of people ponied up $40 a ticket to attend The Giant Cheese Board in southeast London over the weekend after being lured in by the following description that was posted on Facebook:
Have you ever dreamed of being able to walk around a giant cheese board? Carving off slices of your favourite Emmental, Red Leicester, Edam, Brie and every other cheese you can imagine? Surrounded by cheese, rolling around in cheese…eating so much ch…sorry, got carried away!
Well anyway, we have. Lots. So this Christmas we are going to make this a reality. A cheesy, melty, mulled wine-fuelled reality. This is going to change your lives forever.
Unfortunately, if any lives were actually changed, it was only for the worst.
Almost immediately after the event kicked off, pissed off attendees started to flock to social media to air their grievances. Based on the photo evidence, it was actually a Moderately-Sized Cheese Board despite promises to the contrary.
https://twitter.com/petestravelogue/status/942136417215504384
Plenty of people hopped on Twitter to express their disappointment with the event, but none of the complaints have anything on the one below, which needs to be blown up, framed, and permanently enshrined in the First World Problems Hall of Fame:
The only thing giant about this cheese board was that it was a total giant waste of time. 5 different types of cheese are you fucking kidding me, no giant camembert, ran out of bread, chorizo, crackers, grapes, cold mulled wine, 90 minute wait to get in #giantcheeseboard
— Peanutter (@peanutter571) December 16, 2017
The organizers eventually responded and vehemently refuted the claims in an incredibly lengthy Facebook post that is virtually asking to spark an uprising of angry, cheese-loving millennials that England might never be able to recover from.
There is no indication that any virtually forgotten rapper from the early 2000s will be at the receiving end of a multimillion-dollar lawsuit, but if I had to bet on anyone, it would definitely be Lady Sovereign, who I’ve always called the “Ja Rule of England.”