Being a Man in 2018 can be confusing, we have so many different people telling us different ways to be manly. My grandpa once told me, to be a real man you have to have shelled a German encampment in the heat of an Egyptian summer; I told him I remember when “Selfies” were called “Kodak Moments”. My Dad once told me being a real man was getting your prostate removed; I told him that was counter intuitive. My college friend Todd told me that being a real man meant sleeping with as many women as possible but I had smelled his fingers and could tell he wasn’t a man. All 17 year olds think being a man means vaping and owning a hover board. The one thing all these people can agree upon is whiskey, whiskey is the pinnacle of manliness, and how you drink it says more about you than you know.
Drinking Straight or Two Fingers: Sorry, but unless you’re holding that glass up to your nose and you can tell the difference between smokiness and the florals, don’t drink whiskey this way. Real drinkers know you’re supposed to at least put a few drops of water in the drink at a minimum. Drinking your hooch straight means you’re overcompensating or desperately running from something. Drinking that $8 pour of Black Velvet straight doesn’t make you a man, it makes you a douche. Lets be honest, most of us aren’t buying the type of whiskey you drink neat. Even if you do know whiskey, hearing stuff like “Was this thick on my palate” still makes you annoying. Straight whiskey drinkers in a bar are at the same level as the guy who orders a glass of wine.
Mixed: Congratulations, you’re the type of drinker that knows how great whiskey can be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a bar and ordering an Old Fashioned or a Jack and Coke. A Manhattan is fucking delicious and shows you actually have some taste. These drinks will fuck you up as fast as neat whiskey, but won’t make people think you have a problem. It might annoy your bartender until you tip them two bucks a drink. Knowing a few good whiskey drinks that aren’t that hard to make is a great way to show you’re there for a good time. I can’t tell you how many times this author has ordered and heard someone ask “What is that?” Besides, getting fucked up on a mixed drink hides the smell of how drunk you are when you’re slurring your words at the police later.
On Ice: You’re drinking with a purpose. The ice is just enough to cut the burn a little bit, but you still want some of the hurt. Adding ice makes it go down just smooth enough that you can drink until life isn’t bothering you anymore. This is the type of drinking for home or sitting at a dive bar at an inappropriate hour. Seeing someone drinking a whiskey on ice lets you know they’re appreciating the booze for its painful nature, and ability to take the edge off. If you see another man drinking whiskey on the rocks, its bro code to do a shot with him. This is drinking whiskey like a real, pissed off and bothered man.
There is something primordial about drinking a smoky and burning liquid. Whiskey is universally manly to the point that when a girl drinks it they’re elevated onto a pedestal. There are a few ways to imbibe this fluid with a stigma to each. Don’t let a magazine like GQ tell you to drink whiskey straight, or really do anything. Print media is dead and so are their opinions. It’s 2016; you can drink it however you want, we’re all just going to know you’re a douche.