Presented in partnership with Stewart’s Spiked Seltzer. Must be 21+ to enjoy. Please enjoy responsibly.
Greetings from the future, pal.
The year is 2021, I am alive and well, if you can believe it. Y2K was a total ruse, so I hope mom kept the receipts for the toilet paper and fire extinguisher.
Did you feed your virtual pet today? Didn’t think so.
So much has changed it’s hard to know where to start, so let’s begin with what hasn’t.
You may be pleased to know I’m sipping on a delicious Stewart’s Root Beer, although this is the spiked seltzer version the brand recently rolled out. The smooth taste of nostalgia transported me to the right headspace to sit down and write this letter, but it contains 5% alcohol by volume, so steer clear of the button below until you’re of age.
I’m guessing you already crushed your daily bottle Stewart’s and a bag of red gummy fish after playing two hours of pickup hoops after school in a fresh basketball jersey that’s now $300 off the rack at a vintage store, waiting for your crush.
Spoiler alert: She doesn’t. She marries Bobby from Social Studies and they’re nauseating on social medi–okay, we’re getting a bit over our skis here.
Nevertheless, with hormones in flux, you must be swimming in a sea of youthful optimism, insecurities, and petty fears. Let me instill a few retrospective lessons for you to consider as you navigate the maze of adolescence.
Acne Is A Necessary Evil
I’m certain you’ve been picking at it while reading this. You may feel as if your entire identity wrapped up in the mountainous cystic acne colonizing your face. Ok, it kind of is.
At the moment, your looks are not your strong suit. Use this time to cultivate a personality, foster some emotional intelligence. What makes your friends laugh? What differentiates you?
When the puss settles in college, you’ll be well-equipped. This is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.
Wear Your Retainer
There’s no better feeling than sweeping your tongue against your smooth, perfectly-aligned chompers after two traumatic years of braces.
THIS IS A FALSE COMFORT.
What Big Ortho won’t tell you is that if you don’t strap on a retainer every night, in 10 years your teeth will up and move like a military family.
The Mushroom Cut Ain’t It
This one’s pretty self-explantory.
The Only Person The Bully Really Hates Is Himself
You know them by name. You may even be tempted to join forces to ensure no one kicks your chair out during the Spelling Bee or mocks your slight lisp or vandalizes your locker.
Rest assured, the people you’re petrified of will ultimately become the people you pity. Hurt people hurt people.
Want to make the bully cry? Give him a hug.
Tell Dad To Buy Tech Stock
I know this means nothing to you, but stop reading this right now and tell dad to pull his money out of the mall electronics store and put it in that company that came up with a good idea to sell books online. You want a heated pool? Do it.
P.S. Keep all your ’90s basketball cards and collectibles too. Tags on. America will only get weirder.
Keep Drinking Stewart’s
Stewart’s is one of the only things that ties me to you, Younger Me. I don’t want to lose that boyish wonder, but the world is unforgiving and sometimes Older You craves a refreshing Black Cherry spiked seltzer after receiving a ‘Please Advise’ email on a Friday afternoon.
Root Beer: Stewart’s flagship product, inspired by the first licorice-based root beer recipe in the United States (1924!). Each sip tastes like a century of excellence.
Black Cherry: Craft recipe containing sweet cherries combined with a smooth creamy taste, it’s tough to go wrong.
Orange Cream: A personal favorite. Rich, creamy blend of orange and ice cream flavors, tastes nearly identical to a creamsicle.
Raspberry Lime: Stewart’s first modern flavor profile, combining the fizz of fruit with a signature twist. Prime for beach days.
And, each can of refreshing premium seltzer contains just 100 calories, 1 carb, and up to 1g of sugar, which will mean something when you hit my age and your metabolism takes a permanent vacation.
You’ll understand one day.
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