Marijuana use is becoming more and more accepted around the country. That is… unless you are a lobster. For crustaceans yearning to smoke some weed and relax from the daily stress of potentially being caught in a trap and then boiled alive, they are unjustly being prohibited from enjoying marijuana. Sadly, this lobster tale is not one with a happy ending.
We take you to the great state of Maine because where else would a story about lobsters come from? Charlotte’s Legendary Lobster Pound in Southwest Harbor, Maine, wants to ease the trauma of lobsters who are killed so that humans can devour their succulent tails and claws. So the restaurant gives the crustaceans some weed to relax them before being murdered. We should all be so lucky. Sort of like a death-row last meal, but with weed, so it’s even better.
The owner of the seafood restaurant is Charlotte Gill, who just so happens to be a state-licensed medical marijuana caregiver. Quite the jack-of-all-trades. “I feel bad that when lobsters come here there is no exit strategy,” said Gill. This is one restaurant where you always order the lobster baked and not steamed.
Rolling tiny little joints that could be held by those big cumbersome red claws is a half-baked idea that isn’t exactly practical. Not to mention, how would you teach a lobster to take a deep puff of ganja? Lobsters have gills and not lungs so how would this even work? The restaurant devised an ingenious workaround to get the lobsters stoned — hot boxing.
The lobsters were placed in a covered box with two inches of water and marijuana smoke was pumped in. Sort of like what your weird friend does to his girlfriend’s chihuahua named Bella. The first happy lobster who got the marijuana treatment was named Roscoe and apparently he mellowed out during the experiment. Roscoe was allegedly flapping its tail and claws, but then he learned to chill and became completely “serene” after being exposed to the weed smoke.
“It’s still a very alert lobster, but there’s no sign of agitation, no flailing of legs, no trying to pinch you,” Gill said. “So calm, in fact, that you’re able to freely touch the lobster all over without them trying to strike at you or to be aggressive in any way.” Roscoe was released back into the wild after getting high on the restaurant’s supply.
However, the government had to ruin all of the lobster fun because that’s what they do. Despite Gill being a legal marijuana suppliers, Maine’s state health inspectors declared that making lobsters happy is illegal. Emily Spencer, a spokeswoman for the state’s Department of Health and Human Services, said health inspectors “would treat food served to consumers at licensed eating places and affected by marijuana, as has been described with this establishment, as adulterated and therefore illegal.” I’m sorry, I thought this was america?
Sorry little lobster friends, humans have let you down yet again. You’d think we’d throw you a bone of getting high before we boil you alive.
Gill went so far as to test the urine of employees who ate the baked lobster and they found no traces of marijuana. Instead of screaming when they’re boiled alive, the lobsters now just giggle. The government still won’t let the restaurant sell lobster pots. No word on whether the restaurant will now sell lobster cannabisque.
Gill was shut down, but hopes to resume stoned lobster sales by mid-October. Those looking to get high on lobster tail, I’ve got some bad news for you. “THC breaks down completely by 392 degrees, therefore we will use both steam as well as a heat process that will expose the meat to 420 degree extended temperature, in order to ensure there is no possibility of carryover effect (even though the likelihood of such would be literally impossible),” Gill said. Wait. 420 degrees? You’re messing with us right now aren’t you Charlotte?
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Right now there’s probably hundreds of rebellious, freedom-loving lobsters waving tiny little signs that say “LEGALIZE IT” under the sea. God bless them.