I’ve lived 34 peaceful years without knowledge of the collective sexual appetite of my mother’s friends, and it pains me to announce that streak was broken Sunday in devastating fashion.
Sunday marked my betrothed’s bridal shower, which is an Instagram photo-fueled event masquerading as a celebration of upcoming nuptials. The bride-to-be’s closest female counterparts wear straw hats, sip mimosas, and gather around the bride as she opens various serving plates. The groom’s only job is to show face at the tail end of the shower, ideally half in the bag after a shooting a 108 on a public course.
That I did.
Scattered upon each table lay pieces of paper with date night ideas written on them from each of the shower guests, including four of my mother’s closest friends she executive ordered into attending. I’ve known all of the women since I was a wee lad, and the idea that they have urges outside of seven layer dips and Virginia Slims is too imaginative for my brain.
Until I got it in writing.
Here are the Date Ideas from four lustful boomers, all born well before the invention of the cordless vibrator (1968). Names have been redacted or changed for privacy.
“Bag of pot, lots of sex, food!!!! Have a happy, healthy,
marra, mariage, marriage!!”
Ever get so turned on you forget how to spell a two-syllable word? Me neither.
“Picnic on the beach then skinny dip and make love in the water! Go swimming on Saco River then make love.”
Make love in the water? What position—doggy paddle? Nothing says intimacy like a pair of floaties and a mouth full of river water.
“Sit home, have dinner, + smoke weed. Lite a fire and toast marshmellows. Put a tarp on the bed and have fun with oil!”
Ironic how after all these years you’re telling me to “have fun with oil” when I always considered you an extra-virgin, Darlene. Cute fantasy, but if I had a tarp laid out on the bed when my lady came home from work, she’d have me institutionalized.
Long romantic walks
Sweets for treats
Facial + massage
Cook a fabulous dinner”
Ok, facials is where I draw the line.
Anyone know where I can get a lobotomy on the cheap?