Getty Image
Long before starving rats emerge from the American sewer to gnaw humanity to pieces in a bid for post-apocalyptic control, we the people have much bigger problems to contend with. Of course, first and foremost, there is finding an effective solution for taming this despicable varmint that is presently crippling the nation. Then, as much as all of us are enjoying these drunken lockdowns, the unconventional path to liver failure and Alcoholics Anonymous, there is also the concern of getting the nation back to work so we can start rebuilding the godforsaken economy.
Yet, from what I can tell, the population is faced with a more pressing matter, and that’s making sure there is enough toilet paper to go around. All of the panic and fear that struck the second a paranoid population learned that a bug was coming to whoop America’s ass has caused a shortage in TP that has never been seen before. And while it would take years of research to figure out why, in the face of adversity, the average citizen felt the need to protect the cleanliness of their bungholes above all else, there is no denying that the struggle is real. Just take a quick look around and you’ll see, toilet paper is the hottest commodity in the United States right now, next to impossible to get without selling your soul. And even that can get tricky.
As the days of this national lockdown turned into weeks, and the weeks are becoming months, I’ve found myself a bit more empathetic toward the rest of the human race. There’s no other way to put it: My TP supply is running low, man, and I’m starting to get nervous about what’s to come! No matter how much I try to get a shipment delivered, there’s just no use: Every retailer is plumb out. None of the grocers have it, and the dollar marts, convenience stores and gas station shitters are all dry as a bone, as well. All of these places have been cleaned out by hoarders. And if you are lucky enough to find some entrepreneurial spirit out there with some to sell, it costs a small fortune. I mean, how much should a man have to pay to guarantee a clean ass? Some of you crazy bastards might be tempted to drop hundreds of dollars on a few rolls of the cheap stuff, just for a little peace of mind.
Uh-uh, not me! No sir. I was taking a more scientific approach to this fiasco. I sat there on the shitter thinking, “okay, how much longer is my current supply going to last?” There had to be some formula, some post-Einstein equation I could use to determine just how long I had before I was forced to craft a bidet out of a five-gallon bucket and a garden hose. The only problem was I’ve never been what the academic world considers “mathematically inclined,” so calculating the life of my toilet paper surplus was not exactly in my wheelhouse. My legs were already going numb. If I continued to sit there much longer, I’d have more immediate problems, like how in the fuck do I fashion a new pair of legs out of shampoo bottles and the empty tubes of toothpaste I have in my medicine cabinet? I needed answers, and I needed them fast. It was then that I remembered, “Duh,” despite the current condition of the world, we are still smack dab in the age of the Internet. There was no way in hell’s holy name that some tech geek hasn’t already established a code for this specific issue and posted it online for all to see. And lo and behold, after a quick search, there it was: The Toilet Paper Calculator. Hallelujah! My salvation, my saving grace.
A London-based software developer by the name of Ben Sassoon must have had the same panic moment as I did during a morning crap. But unlike me, he actually had the brains to devise a solution. This smarty pants has created an online program that is perhaps the most accurate way of determining how long a person can go before they deplete their toilet paper supply. Somewhere around 5 million people have visited the site so far, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “We’re In This Together.” Yep. Everyone is worried about being returned to more primitive ass wiping tactics in the months to come. But this TP calculator is helping to put them at ease.
Now, it is essential to point out that this program is based on the metric system. Also, toilet paper is made differently in America – it is thinner, and some folks do not have double and triple-ply. As far as we can tell, the program also doesn’t account for the beer squirts. Yet, there are other advanced options available to help the user come up with a more accurate timeline for when their supply will run out. My advice is to do as I did and employ this program as soon as possible. It’s the only way you stand a fighting chance at having a solid grip on the situation. As for me, it seems I only have 40 more days to replenish my TP supply, and then I’m in big trouble. What will I do then? I’m not sure. Guess I’ll become the poster child for Shit Out of Luck.