8 U.S. Presidents Who Could Kick Your Ass
Most politicians these days are former lawyers or businessmen who have spent their whole lives avoiding getting their hands dirty. But this wasn’t always the case.
Indeed, once upon a time, our leaders came from a variety of backgrounds, and while they could all argue a case eloquently in a courtroom, some of them were also capable of arguing a case with their fists on the streets. It is to these badass forefathers that this list is dedicated. They are eight United States Presidents who could kick your ass.
8 Gerald R. Ford
Sure, most knew him as the bumbling oaf who played toady to Dick Nixon but before those shameful days, Gerald R. Ford was an All-American athlete. A football player for the University of Michigan, Ford wasn’t just some dainty scatback or graceful receiver. No, he was an asskicking lineman. And this was back in the day when they barely wore pads and only had a shitty leather cap on their heads for protection. No wonder the dude was a little dazed later in life. But in his prime, you better believe that Gerald R. Ford could have kicked your ass. In fact, rumor has it that the character of Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds was based on Ford. That sure beats the hell out of Al Gore being the inspiration for Love Story. Yeah, it’s only a rumor, possibly one that I just made up right on the spot, but don’t tell that to the nerds Gerald R. Ford terrorized during his days as a badass football player.
7 Rutherford B. Hayes
Sure, officially the “B.” in Rutherford B. Hayes stands for Birchard but as far as I’m concerned, it stands for Badass. That’s because as an officer for the Union army in the Civil War, Hayes personally led multiple charges straight into the heart of the Confederate army, all while dudes were shooting at him. He did it over and over again and over and over again he broke those rednecks. In those charges, he was knocked from his horse and screwed up his ankle, he messed up his knee and he even took a shell casing to the head. And yet he never stopped coming. He was like the Terminator out there. Does that sound like a dude you want to run into in a back alley? I didn’t think so.
6 William McKinley
Just look at those eyes! Man, those are the eyes of a stone-cold badass. But aside from that, McKinley was a legitimate badass who served in the Civil War in the same regiment as the man who would be his mentor – Rutherford “Badass” Hayes. Yup, that’s right. McKinley learned from and fought alongside the dude I already referred to as the Terminator of the Civil War. And in doing so he took part in many of the same charges of the enemy line as Hayes. He even got his horse shot out from under him once but got up and kept charging the line. That sounds like a badass to me. But really, it’s all about those eyes. Those hard, stone-cold eyes. Goddamn.
5 Theodore Roosevelt
Before he was a president, Theodore Roosevelt was a big game hunter, a cowboy, a New York City police chief and, most famously, a war hero who led his band of Rough Riders – one of the most famous military regiments in American history – on several famous charges against the Spanish. He was like a real life movie hero, a Wild West gunslinger combined with John Wayne and Ernest Hemingway. He was smarter than everyone else, he was tougher than everyone else and he could take down a bull elephant and kick your scrawny ass all without breaking a sweat. Sure, “Rough Riders” kinda sounds like the name of a gay porno but we’ll overlook that. In fact he was such a badass that legend has it that he sucked all the masculinity out of the rest of the family, leaving distant cousin Franklin without the use of his legs. Again, it’s only a legend and others say that it was polio that took Franklin’s ability to walk but what you may not know is that “Polio” was actually the Indians’ name for Teddy Roosevelt. I rest my case.
4 Warren G. Harding
Stepbrother of Dr. Dre and longtime friend of Snoop Dogg, Warren G. Harding was also the 29th President of the United States. Before he got to office, Warren G was also known to regulate on the streets of Los Angeles with the man who would be his Vice President, his friend Nate Dogg. In fact, here’s an account of one of Warren G. Harding’s experiences before he landed in the White House, taken from a journal written in 1903:
“It was a clear black night with a clear white moon and I, Warren G. Harding, was on the streets trying to consume some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk, just rollin’ in my ride, chillin’ all alone. So I hooks a left on the 21 and Lewis, some brothas shootin’ dice so I said ‘Let’s do this.’ I jumped out the ride, and said ‘What’s up?’ Some brothas pulled some gats so I said ‘I’m stuck.’ I’m gettin’ jacked, I’m breakin’ myself, I can’t believe they takin’ Warren’s wealth. They took my rings, they took my rolex. I looked at the brotha and said ‘Damn, what’s next?’ They got guns to my head, I think I’m going down, I can’t believe this happenin’ in my own town. If I had wings I could fly, let me contemplate, I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate. Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole, Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold. Now they droppin’ and yellin’ it’s a tad bit late, Nate Dogg and Warren G. Harding had to regulate.”
The account then goes on to describe how after blasting some fools, Warren G. Harding and Nate take a bunch of girls back to the Eastside Motel to get freaky.
That’s some gangsta shit right there, is it not? Sure, history would judge Warren G. Harding’s presidency as one of the worst and most scandal filled of all time but that’s just because people are racist. The facts though are simple: Warren G. Harding and his Vice President, Nate Dogg, were certified badasses. Don’t let anybody tell you different.
3 Abraham Lincoln
Abe Lincoln has a reputation for being a solemn statesman, a gangly looking man best suited to deliver speeches. But let’s not forget that Lincoln was a big dude, like he probably could have played in the NBA big. And before he got wrapped up in all that politics nonsense, he was a professional wrestler. Yes, that’s right, Abraham Lincoln was the Stone Cold Steve Austin of his day, drinkin’ beers, whoopin’ ass and raisin’ hell all over the place. In fact, he won several debates by giving Stephen Douglas a Stone Cold Stunner and then giving him the middle finger. The popular phrase “Lincoln 3:16” was seen on countless signs in the audience of several key Civil War battles, including the Battle of Gettysburg, which turned the tide in the feud between Stone Cold Lincoln and Jefferson Davis and his corporate stooges. And if that wasn’t enough, recent evidence has been uncovered indicating that the man was a renowned vampire hunter in his day. Screw Batman, I want Abe Lincoln protecting my town.
2 Andrew Jackson
There was no harder dude in the history of the American Presidency than Andrew Jackson. The man was a no-nonsense redneck who preferred to settle his disputes with pistols at dawn rather than with words. Sure, some would call that irresponsible today but they’d be singing a different song after Andrew Jackson got done pistol whipping them. Before he was President, Jackson was a goddamn living nightmare, terrorizing Indian tribes and earning a reputation as an ass-kicking monster, riding with blood-stained hands throughout the Southeast, burning and killing his way to victory. Today, the dude would be tried as a war criminal but back then shit like that was enough to get you elected President. I don’t even have to make any ridiculous jokes here. Andrew Jackson would have snapped your spine and then sawed off your scalp while you lay there watching, wide-eyed and terrified. Hell, they should just dye the five dollar bill blood red and change the picture to Andrew Jackson swinging a hatchet.
1 George Washington
Not only was George Washington the father of our country, he was the father of badasses. If you don’t believe me, just watch this living piece of history put together by the great Brad Neely:
Indeed. And that’s why he’s number one on this list.