A-Rod Couldn’t Seal The Deal With Jennifer Lopez After Their First Date

Alex Rodriguez Dating Jennifer Lopez

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If you’re a little down on yourself this Monday afternoon, take comfort in the fact the Alex Rodriguez couldn’t even seduce his international superstar girlfriend into bed after 3+ hours of dating her. Hey A-Rod, not to brag but I made out with a girl in a club back in 2004 after 12 minutes of gyrating behind her to a Pitbull song. She even would have invited me back to her spot if she hadn’t passed out in the corner of the club.

How do I know A-Rod didn’t bone J-Lo after date one, you ask? ELLEN, dude. Do you even watch Ellen, dude?

The couple’s genesis story, as told by the lovely J-lo:

“It’s very simple. I was having lunch somewhere and I saw him and he passed by.”

“I saw him walk by and afterwards I went outside, but for some reason I felt like tapping him on the shoulder and said, ‘Hi, Alex.’ And he’s like, ‘Hi, Jennifer.’ And I was like, ‘Yeah.’ And then that was it.”

J-Lo’s response to whether or not they got frisky on the first night:

“Mama, don’t sleep over on the first date,” she said.

HAHA. Hey A-Rod, must’ve sucked to waste a chunk of your $400 million career earnings on a dinner that amounted to you masturbating to a watercolor painting of yourself. Good thing you could hit the ball because you’d make for one shitty closer.

Jesus, even Ray Liotta’s laughing at you and he looks like he’s spent some time with a mortician.

A-Rod, not to add insult to injury, but I’ll leave you with a few photos of your global icon girlfriend who loves you so you can weep into dollar bills over how awful your life is.


[h/t Page Six]

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.