The Kardashians have made an entire living off of doing nothing. In a way, it’s really the American dream. They’ve made 15 minutes of fame last for what is quickly going to approach 15 years. It’s pretty incredible when you think about it. As an example of what their shows “plots” center around, I’ve pulled two sentences from the description section for two upcoming episodes. The first one being, “Everyone decides to confront Kim about her new habit of wearing wigs around town.” Also this one, “Problems arise when Kris tries to get the family to play tennis.” In summary of these two episodes: Rich people confront their richer sibling doing something insignificant, and a wealthy family doesn’t want to play tennis that much.
The more I thought about how long they’ve been able to make a show about nothing, the more I wondered how the original pitch for the show must have gone. Here’s how I imagine it went down.
The Kardashians are seated at a large wooden table in a conference room where they sit across from a team of executives in suits. The first gray-haired executive opens the meeting up for discussion stating, “Well thanks for coming. We’ve seen some of your previous work Kim, and we must say it was quite an eye-opening performance. If I’m being candid with you, it gave me an erection. I like getting erections. But that’s enough about me and my erections. We brought you and your family here because we are looking for someone to star in a TV show about nothing, but we need some individuals that have no shame in that. That tape you did was a great jumping off point. Could you tell us what would happen on your TV show?”
“Well,” Kim starts, “The show would mainly just be about like my life and making sure that people see it. Each week nothing will happen, but people will feel compelled to watch and talk about it. Also, people like my butt.”
A naïve executive butts in, “But why would people watch this particular show if nothing interesting ever happens on it?”
Kim silently grabs her laptop from below, types a few keystrokes and spins the screen around at the executives. The screen displays her sex tape, and the executives nod silently in agreement.
“You make some valid points Kim,” an executive states as he jots down some notes on his notepad. One of the executives toward the end of the table interjects, “What happens when people get tired of you? Say you become too old or even worse… pregnant?”
Kim – “Ew, that’s disgusting. Like having another person inside of me that’s not a penis? Gross.”
Kris Jenner interrupts, “I think I could maybe help out with this situation. What Kim is trying to say is that by the time Kim has a baby, people will be obsessed with babies. Imagine America’s Funniest Home Videos, but on the internet 24/7. Babies are going to be hot in a few years.”
An executive keeps things moving, “Ok the show sounds like a strong possibility. Khloe what exactly will you be bringing to the table in this series?”
Khloe finishes chewing her breakfast croissant, pauses to take a giant gulp of Diet Coke and says, “To be honest, I just want the opportunity to have sex with more hotter and more successful men.”
An executive leans in to sternly question, “Just how powerful of a man do you think you’re going to be able to get with this show?”
With chunks of mayonnaise still on the side of her lips she shruggingly says, “I don’t know. Maybe like an NBA player? Like one that plays for the Lakers or something.”
One of the younger executives spit takes his coffee onto his notepad. After resisting the impulse to burst out in boisterous laughter he manages to hold it in best he can. He tries to make up an excuse explaining to the room, “Sorry just went down the wrong tube.”
“I know the feeling,” Kim says without any thought.
Kris Jenner tries to get things back under control and cuts in, “If I may, I think what Khloe meant to say is that everyone on the show will look hotter by comparison if she’s featured on the show… including myself.”
“Hmm I guess you have a point,” says one of the executives nodding in agreement. “Okay I can see her role now. What will the rest of you guys do on the show?”
There’s a moment of silence. Then Bruce Jenner slowly raises his hand and nervously states, “What if I slowly turned into a gelatin lesbian?”
One of the executives whispers to the executive sitting next to him, “Who is this guy again?”
“He’s married to the old one, and he was on a Wheaties box once,” whispers back the well-informed exec.
There’s a moment of silence in the room as Kris gives Bruce a “what the hell was that” face. A few of the executives are a bit turned off by Bruce’s statement and general vibe and silently jot down some more notes.
Kris panics, recognizing that she’s losing their interest and her chance at fame. She grabs Kim’s computer, taps a few buttons, and then turns the laptop towards the executives once again displaying Kim’s sex tape. “Remember this?” states Kris as she leaves her hands in the air as if she’s just drained a game-winning three pointer.
The executives reluctantly nod in approval, “Yeah. Yeah you know what. I think we’ve got a show.”
One cautious junior executive clears his throat and poses the question, “But sir, how are we supposed to convince everyone to keep up with all of their lives?”
The top executive confidently answers, “Don’t you see Jenkins? You’ve already answered your own question. We’ll call the show Keeping up with the Kardashians, and everyone will be forced to keep up with them.” The wise executive smugly leans back in his leather chair stating, “Just watch and learn Jenkins. Everyone will be keeping up with them without even realizing it, and we’ll reap all the benefits. Yes Jenkins, we’ll impregnate this family of enormous butts with my explosive idea erection, and then we’ll blow a reality load of nothing onto America.”
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