Disgraced hoagie peddler Jared Fogle was facing a solid chunk of time in prison after pleading guilty to sex crimes with minors. To lessen the sentence, and place blame elsewhere, he started grasping for straws. Those straws then got inserted into thick and creamy milkshakes.
Fogle was sentenced earlier this week and will sit in prison for 15 years. Fogle showed up to court without his glasses and sporting a more rotund physique. No longer getting freebies and millions from Subway, Jared is probably on an eating regime that’s a little less healthy these days. No more dieting for Jared, and not just because it’s a bad idea to look attractive going into lock-up, but because his “diet” was the reason he wanted to touch so many little girls. Or so his defense team claims.
A forensic psychologist testified during the hearings that the stress of Fogle’s diet may have contributed to his sexual indiscretions. “Once he lost weight,” the psychologist told the court, “it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality.” Yes, losing all that weight made Jared want to touch young girls. I feel ya, buddy. So many times I drop a couple pounds after the holidays and think “where’s the closest high school?!?”
Losing a significant amount of weight, and becoming more attractive and confident in the process, could lead a person to become more hyper-sexual but to claim that the weight loss caused him to like young girls is laughable. So then when Jared was significantly overweight, did that cause him to peddle porn out of his dorm?
This isn’t the last we’ll hear of Jared. He’ll spend time in lockup, pop up in a “how’s he doing?” interview on 60 Minutes in a couple years, come out “reformed” in less than 15 with a new book. Up until then he’ll probably be swallowing a ton of 6 inchers.