Do The Minions From ‘Despicable Me’ Have Sex?

by 4 years ago

Despicable Me

You know what a Minion is. It’s almost 2015 and you’re somehow navigating the internet right now, while probably driving a future-car with keyless ignition. But maybe you’re not aware of who they are. The Minions have a “wide-eyed wonder and odd innocence that endears them to viewers and makes them relatable.” The Minions are goofballs, smart alecs, spazzes. They have three fingers.

They do not fuck.

And since no one is standing up to defend these wholesome creatures, it looks like I’ll have to roll up my sleeves and wade into the piss-trough pond of despicable internet you cackling slugs all seem so content with and take out the trash.

It seems innocent enough at first. The Minions have a plethora of figurines and plush toys in their likeness, and humans are perpetually contemplating their next ejac. Take for example these horrid, horny teens, uncouthly enacting doggy-style coitus with two cake-top Minions.

Disgusting. The Minions are innocent. Shrek? Oh he fucks. He fucks like an eel. Sonic? There’s been quite some debate about that. But Minions. Do not. Fuck.

The logical theory of asexual reproduction is brought to light in this Quora discussion. However, Jason Ingber, UCLA Law ’17, suggests this wildly crude statement amidst a fart-foul description of the Minions’ “plight”:

“So how do these poor fellas bring more of their own into their cruel world?

They may have squeaky-giggly minion sex and Disney’s G rated documentary on minions just never captured that element of their world. It should be noted that it is very sexist that minion women are not prominently featured. Another prospect is that Gru has a morbid minion maker that just pumps out new ones when others die or explode from his experiments. A third answer is that like Gzorpazorps, they have a constant supply of female minions for the sole purpose of mating. 

Squeaky-giggly minion sex?!! You are putrid. Minions do not have sex! FCS. And why, Jason, do you assume the Minions portrayed are all male? Or that they even have gender to begin with?!?! Wow just wow look at this ignorance.

Here, YouTube user Connor Birch insinuates an idea so profane, so diabolical, that I literally puke every single time I even think about it. I just puked. And the perverted worm does it in the uniquely slimy way only an Axe-cloud of a teenage white boy could.

Minions do not have sex, Connor, and honestly this is elevating it to some weird cross-reality bestiality and not to punk you out or anything but someone really should have a word with your mother and maybe they can get you the help that you need or burn in hell what do I care you just desecrated a toy of purity made to bring happiness to children’s hearts, you big-jeaned-premature-ejaculator.

Yes, Minions love bananas. Still, they do not have sex. So no: this is not the audio from a Minion sex tape.

And no, Minions do not check out “booty” smh.

And why on God’s green earth would you sick fucks intercut a comedic, wholesome tongue-wagging with crude video of public cunnilingus [Ed. Note: Not even remotely SFW]? Really? Grow up, you demonoid jizz-socks.

Behold, two Children of Lucifer yukking it up in a Minion’s gift store, which is basically a sacred place like church or Dave and Busters, just metaphorically taking a polyp-popping shit all over the face of something Good.

Everything is sex with you sinners. “Boob” this, “taint” that, “did you hear Melissa bought a Sybian?” I’m sick of it! If you could all pipe down your barking clits and yipping hard-ons for five a minutes a day maybe we could take care of something important!

Anyway, in short: Minions do not have sex; you all disgust me.

TAGSdespicable meminionsSex

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