I don’t give a fuck about what you’re doing right now, because you need to stop whatever it is and buy this book. What book? This one you stupid turd, learn how to skim through bullshit filler text and skip to the important parts, jeez:
It doesn’t matter if you like Gronk or if you think Johnny Manziel is an alcoholic washout who doesn’t know the difference between his balls and the 30 yard line, this book is awful and completely worth the $2.99 it costs to read it on a Kindle. Why should you buy it if it’s awful? Because it’s fucking hilarious you spunkwad, why else? Featuring such brilliant lines as:
Gronk heard Flo Rida was going to be at the party and he wanted to get silly.
Gronk tried to softly brush the vomit-covered hair out of her face but his massive hands just probed at her face like someone trying to pet a puppy with a catcher’s mitt.
How could you NOT want to read this book? And at $2.99 it’s cheaper than a burrito from Chipotle. Plus I’d imagine that it’d be a great conversation starter at dinner parties:
“I’ve just finished reading Catcher in the Rye, it really opened my eyes to how falsely we perceive the world around us.”
“Oh yeah that’s one of my favorites! I just finished A Gronkingbird To Remember: One Man-Child’s Journey From Tight End To Wide Receiver and I splooged in my eye while jacking off to the part where Gronk sticks it in Johnny Football’s butt. That stung. Want another beer?”
Plus, it’s only 52 pages. Like what else of worth could you be doing with your life if you can’t even finish a 52-page book?
You can click here to buy it, but personally I’ll probably wait for a bootleg version to come out since nothing comes between me and my Chipotle, not even buttsex between Gronk and Johnny Manziel.