Whether you are a fan of these stories or not (most popular kids), superhero movies have been a billion dollar industry that have naturally affected American culture just as much as Plan B, and while everyone enjoys some good old fashioned superpowers here and there, I believe Hollywood is missing out on some crucial superheroes that have not received the respect throughout the years that they should have. No comic books have ever been written about them and no 45-year old single man has ever dressed up as them for Halloween and it’s because their heroic actions day in and day out go unnoticed by many. That’s right, there are those among us who could compete with even the bravest heroes, who harness unspeakable supernatural ability, but have lived their lives content with a normal five to nine job and no fame, until now. Soon enough, once Hollywood gets word, you can expect to see these five superhero movies in theaters.
1) The Amazing “Man Who Does Not Talk About His Workouts”
One of the finest and most heroic of them all, this hero actually goes to the gym, participates in muscle building activities, leaves the gym, and does not tell a soul. You heard right. He doesn’t tweet about it, he doesn’t post selfies on Instagram, and there is no way you will catch him with the suspected Facebook status. Selfless, motivated, and here to serve society, an unarguable modern day hero.
2) Wonder “Not What To Text” Woman
With the positive way we as a society are progressing, it is important for Hollywood to cast more Females as lead characters. For this reason, we must call upon Wonder Woman’s successor, Wonder “Not What To Text” Woman. A role model for all, this rare hero does not make texting a team sport. When responding to her archenemy, she need not include her friends or disclose personal information. With her great ability to keep her composure under pressure and respond in a timely manner, this hero would surely be able to pack theaters across the country.
3) Incredible “Unknown Number Answerer”
Poised, courageous, and risky are all words to describe what could possibly be one of the most badass superheroes of our generation. Someone who is looked up to as a leader throughout many households alike, this hero is not afraid to take one for the team in order to keep families safe. While many retreat in fear, this underrated hero faces those anonymous ten digits face on and aggressively, like me around appetizers.
4) The Justice League of “People Who Actually Know About Politics”
Like a blessing sent from the heavens, these saviors are harder to find than someone who still watches “Two and a Half Men.” These heroes very easily could have the most enemies of them all given how many members of the population love to imitate them with fancy political words and false claims about candidates to try to look cool in front of their friends. No matter what political party, The Justice League of “People Who Actually Know About Politics” are well respected and best known for not getting involved in political fights on social media forums such as (but not limited to) Facebook and Twitter.
5) Captain “Late-Night Food Abstainer”
It’s after 2PM and while his friends are vigorously fighting for position in the Taco Bell line, Captain “Late-Night Food Abstainer” is making sure the girls he met earlier that night are getting home safely. To his home. He possesses attributes such as restraint and a healthy digestive system. Weaknesses you ask? Value menus. Captain LNFA, as his closest friends call him, is always making smart decisions and obviously has never attended college.
So remember, next time you see that kid with the Green Lantern graphic t-shirt about to pre cum at the sight of a limited edition comic, gently remind them about the true superheroes. The heroes that wake up before the sun is up, the heroes that still pay for music, and for god’s sake the heroes that pass up on the dessert menu at restaurants. I hope someday these will be the costumes that are the best sellers come Halloween.
Follow Jon on Twitter @SavittJ