The internet was a buzz yesterday when Taylor Swift said that a new track called “Bad Blood” was about a rival pop star. Rumors spread throughout the vast inter-webs to point the gossip finger at Katy Perry. Katy Perry also had a Mean Girls referenced tweet where she tweeted, “Watch out for the Regina George in sheep’s clothing…”
This feud speculation left me wondering who would win if they were to get in an actual fight. Now, this feud probably won’t amount to anything except a few snarky comments, some fake hugs, and some internet fodder. However, imagination is way more fun, and since Celebrity Death Match doesn’t exist anymore, I thought I’d break down the matchup. Obviously, prison rules apply.
Upbringing: Taylor Swift grew up with the luxury of spending her summers at a waterfront vacation home and riding horses with other people that I imagine wore sweaters tossed over their necks. Her parents made several trips to Nashville with her and eventually moved to Tennessee so Taylor could pursue her music career. Katy Perry moved around quite a bit with her reformed Christian parents who struggled financially and often had to use food stamps to get by. This rougher childhood gives Perry the edge in this category with a toughness/overcoming adversity point which is very valuable in a fight.
Katy Perry: 1 Taylor Swift: 0
Nickname: A lot of what makes a fighter intimidating is the name of the fighter. Pro wrestler names like “The Rock” or “The Undertaker” strike fear into opponents before they even enter the ring. For example, if you had to fight a guy called “The Squeamish Pickle” you probably wouldn’t be as worried. That being said, Katy Perry’s nickname is Kitty Purry, which isn’t the most intimidating name to have going into a street fight. Taylor Swift on the other hand, has nicknames such as Swifty, T-Swift, and T-Swizzle. This implies that she is swift in a fight. T-Swiftly sweeps the leg and wins this round.
Katy Perry: 1 Taylor Swift: 1
Crew: Taylor Swift has seemingly burned a lot of bridges, and doesn’t seem to have much of a posse. Katy Perry on the other hand, has a song featuring Juicy J from Three 6 Mafia, (I mean mafia is in his group’s name) and is seemingly best friends with Rihanna. I’d put money on Rihanna in a fight anytime. She is a badass. With Swift, all I can really assume is that she is friends with Selena Gomez, which does not give her much of a crew to back her up if things go Kanye South.
Katy Perry: 2 Taylor Swift: 1
Fan Support: This is essentially the home field advantage factor of the fight. Think 12th man for the Seattle Seahawks. The last few years of my life has led me to the conclusion that insane 13-year-old girls decide what’s popular in pop culture. With that in mind, I think that Taylor has the majority of the hysterical tween fans and they will stop at nothing to defend her right to shake it off. Also, Katy Perry fans are called “Katy Cats” which is about as close to scaredy cats as you can get. Taylor scores a point to tie it up going into the final round.
Katy Perry: 2 Taylor Swift: 2
Lyrics: Here’s how the fight would go down based on the lyrics from some of their most popular songs.
Taylor: “It feels like one of those nights, you look like bad news. I got to have you. I got to have you.” – 22
Katy: “Baby do you dare to do this? Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse. Are you ready for ready for, the perfect storm, perfect storm?” – Dark Horse
Taylor: “I never miss a beat. I’m lightning on my feet. Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, I shake it off, I shake it off.” – Shake It Off
Katy: “So cover your eyes. I have a surprise. I hope you got a healthy appetite.” *Lands punch* “I got you spinning, like a disco ball” – Birthday
Taylor: “I knew you were trouble when you walked in. So shame on me now you flew me to places I never been. Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.” – I Knew You Were Trouble
Katy: “Get ready cause I’ve had enough. I see it all I see it now. I’ve got the eye of the tiger the fighter, dancing through the fire, cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar”
Taylor: “Why you gotta be so mean?” – Mean
Final Tally: Katy Perry: 3 Taylor Swift: 2
Well, it was a close match, but after a very intricate scientific equation, it looks like Katy Perry would win a street fight against Taylor Swift. Let’s hope the two can kiss and make up. After all, it was Perry who said, “I kissed a girl and I liked it.”