It’s that time of year again fellas. Opening Thrones Day is almost upon us and I for one couldn’t be more thrilled. It feels like it’s been years since my last encounter with copious amounts of nudity, violence, and mythical creatures (at least through a television screen).
After writing this, I’m going to go ahead and binge watch last season so I can remember what the fuck actually went on. Game of Thrones is one of those weird things where you know it’s super-awesome and you love it, but you can’t really explain why…. like Tequila or Taco Bell (not sure why both subsequent examples were of the Mexican variety).
So in the spirit of getting back into the swing of things, let’s brush up on some of the male characters as they pertain to your own personality.
Disclaimer: I’m not going to mention every dude on the show, nor am I going to mention the dead ones (except Jon Snow because he’s not dead, obviously). If one of the 12 men below isn’t considered your favorite Thrones character, then we clearly aren’t watching the same program.
In alphabetical order because I’m an unbiased journalist
Bronn
You’re brave to a fault but also really reckless in your decision making processes. You generally think entirely with your little head as opposed to your big one.
Daario Naharis
You’re most likely a bona fide ladies’ man, but not in the overtly douchey-sense. You’ve earned the right to be a little bit cocky based on the fact that you’re more or less a heroic Bro (meaning you’re not an accountant or something).
Grey Worm
You’re most likely quiet, but powerful. You don’t say much, but when you do, it’s worthwhile. I’m hoping that you have your testicles still intact, but if you don’t, that’s fine too. No judgement.
Jaime Lannister
Look, I really like Jaime. I know, I know, he sleeps with his sister, but hear me out. He’s definitely one of the most solid examples on the show of redemption. He went from piece of shit to compassionate, that’s not an easy transition. I’d say if Jaime is your favorite that you know what it means to be misunderstood and maybe you need a little vindication in your life.
Jon Snow
You’re kind but firm. You don’t often get angry, but when you do you’re a force to be reckoned with. You might be a little slow when it comes to the ladies, but that’s only because you’re more of a one-woman kind of dude. You also look really great in black furry clothing.
Lord Varys
You’re a know-it-all who everyone wants to prove wrong, but they never can. You don’t use your knowledge for evil though because at the end of the day you do truly believe in the greater good of humanity. You also may be weird looking, like a full-grown pudgy bald baby.
Petyr Baelish
You’re the type of dude to fuck your best friend’s wife and then somehow make him feel like it’s his fault. Translation: you’re a manipulative, sociopath but you still always come out on top. The world is easier for people like you, until you eventually meet your demise.
Ramsay Bolton
If this character (demon) is your favorite, you are a serial killer, or at the very least a sociopath. I have no further explanation to offer you other than seeking immediate mental health professionals.
Samwell Tarly
You’re the quintessential nice guy who has most likely been friend-zoned one too many times, but just like Sam, you’ll come out on top sooner or later.
Theon Greyjoy (Reek)
You’re the ultimate underdog who knows exactly just how bad it is to be punished for your foolishness. Everyone is hoping that you’ll bounce back.
Tommen Baratheon
I felt like I HAD to put Tommen on here because he’s technically not a secondary character, but I sincerely cannot imagine anyone considering him their “favorite.” In the event I’m wrong, and there are those of you out there who do…. I think that makes you a chicken-shit-momma’s-boy.
Tyrion Lannister
If you gravitate toward Tyrion as your favorite, this means that you appreciate wit and wisdom. You have your demons just like everyone else, but you make no fucking apologies for exactly who you are (or you numb the pain with wine/hookers, whatever works).
Enjoy the season premiere and hopefully none of the aforementioned Bros get their heads chopped off!