An Open Letter to Parents Who Bring Their Kids to Music Festivals

Let me start by saying I’m not parent (…shout out to Obama, birth control, and plan B) nor do I know much about children. I’m not trying to give parenting advice, I think I’m just stating what we’re all thinking: Why the fuck would you bring a child — furthermore a child in a stroller or front-pack — to a Music Festival? 

I get it; you want to re-live your glory days, a time where it didn’t matter where you woke up and your biggest concern in the morning was where you were going to brunch. A time where you could let the sound (…but mostly the drugs) take you away to a place where caution was nothing but a word printed on yellow tape. But let’s face it, even Charlie has to leave the candy factory at some point.

These were the times you would one day tell your kid about; but you figured why tell when you could show them? Now, I’m not totally sure (I don’t read Science Digest, I mean, we’re both on BroBible right now), but I think there is a spike in births during January (…9 months after Coachella), so this could be the very type of event this child was consummated at making this his or her birthright trip. I just don’t think the little one will appreciate it as much now as he/she will 18 years from now. 

I must thank you for providing a birth control that not even Obama could give for free. The responsibility of seeing a stroller in the middle of a Pretty Lights set doesn’t look like something I am ready for. I'm too busy having my face melted off.  Let’s be real, I utilized the payment plan option to be at this concert and bought a pack of gum with my credit card on my way here. There's no way I am responsible enough for taking care of another life, especially in the middle of this heat and this crowd of barbaric. Side note: Out of genuine curiosity, did you have to buy the little tike a full price ticket?  Shouldn't you be putting the money from your tickets toward your baby's college fund? The price of most music festival tickets these days are like small home equity loans.

Also, could you quiet him? I’m trying to enjoy Kendrick Lamar and his crying is killing my vibe… No offense; another thing could you get him to ear muff it for me. I don’t think “Fuckin Problems” is geared towards his demographic. 

I understand that you want to enjoy the music too, which is why there are baby sitters. If you can’t find one, call me… I need money to pay for my next music festival. You and I both know what happens at these things: The sex, the mud filled with God-knows-what, the cumulonimbus clouds of marijuana smoke. I don’t want to be around your kid while rolling face, which is why I don’t show up to his third birthday party with Molly hitting slopes harder than Sonny Bono.    

I appreciate your enthusiasm in wanting your kid to appreciate music from a young age, I just think the mark was missed. But see you at EDC Last Vegas? 


Stop Killing My Vibe

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Music festival girl pic via Shutterstock

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