The Murderer’s Row Of ‘6 Must Own Colognes’ For Bros

When selling the brand of you to the world, your smell is the one factor you control completely. You can be speaking, and the listener might dismiss everything you say.  Somebody help me, you might be feeling fine and looking good, dressed to the 9’s, and your opposite will find a flaw in your outfit or a flaw in the body wearing it. But if you smell good, there’s not a damn thing they can do about it. They will take that shit and enjoy it, and hate you for making them love being near you.  

Smell is hardwired into memory, more so than any other sense. It also ninjas its way into a person’s mood center and instantly creates a subconscious affection for the source. The strangers, new friends, and acquaintances who pass through your life may not remember your name, what you wore, what you said, or even the context of the interaction, but their minds will register that they enjoyed you and your company; and that’s all that matters. 

Application of Cologne:

It’s a dab on both wrists, and both sides of the neck. These are pulse points, major arteries where blood flows and actually heats and develops the parfume proper. 

There’s a purpose for its sparse use. You might be thinking “Bro, how will people even be able to smell it If I use so little?” That’s a great question snapperhead, it’s because the subtle hint of your cologne is much more effective than being overpowered with it. Nobody likes a try hard. It’s sort of like a ‘pickpocket vs strong armed robbery’. In one scenario, you can return again and again, with the target being none the wiser. Whereas the other, it only works once.  Parfum is supposed to work behind the scenes and accentuate you, not itself. Also, if a lady or two has to lean into you to get a taste, I ain’t mad at it.

Think about how much money you spend on clothes. Now consider how we’ve already established how your smell has a much stronger psychological effect on people than your appearance. Cologne generally runs close to $100, but it’ll last you awhile, and become a staple in your person. You won’t see Acqua Di Gio (or any of the most recognizables) listed because you don’t want to smell like everybody’s ex. Swagoo enough, but way too popular.

The Killers:
Creed Green Irish Tweed:

If you don’t read another word of this article, go get yourself some Green Irish Tweed and consider the day crushed. Yeah, it’s Irishy smelling; do you realize how charming that is? “Charismatic” is a good way to describe it. A ‘Sunshine bro who lights up a room’ wears GIT. This stuff is a classic. Pop-pop probably railed Nana on the deck of the Titanic wearing Green Irish Tweed (RIP). It’s Connie Hawkins coming in with that finger roll. GIT is a damn well fitting pair of blue jeans. It’s a base scent that you can wear 365 and feel good about yourself. Perfect starter for bros just entering the game.

WHEN/WHERE: Anytime, anywhere. Daily-casual. $$

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Tom Ford Noir

Tom Ford, that handsome sonofabitch, does it right. Dark and Spicy. Noir rides that line between provocative and sexual. F*ck Me Eyes in a bottle. In the general sense it’s not for casual use, but it’s also not thrusting at people, like Dior Intense. However, if you’re constantly a stylish bro, then you can probably rock it. It’s killer for dates or any environment where you’re around lots of women. Noir is engaging and elegant. If you like Tom Ford style, the scent is a perfect fit. Clean, sophisticated, but manly and expressive. This is some classy shiznit right here. It’s M.O. is to make you seem more bangable.

WHEN/WHERE: Dates. Interaction with women. If your style can support it, then it can be a Daily. $

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Fierce Abercrombie & Fitch

This was my first, so it has a special place in my heart. Fierce is for young men. High School and College, and then retire it once you graduate. Don’t knock it though, girls love this stuff. LOVE IT. I never went a day wearing it without being approached. Fierce has a sexy man torso emblazoned across the bottle, so do with that what you will. He never bothered me. Thought homie was good motivation. If you got friends over and they’re looking sideways at you, give ‘em a shrug and a go f*ck yourself. Fierce is stellar.  It’s citrusy and playful.

WHEN/WHERE:Anytime. Class/Campus, Study groups. Parties. Like I said, this is a young man’s product. $

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Creed Aventus

If I could afford it, Aventus would be my daily driver. You get what you pay for and Aventus runs a little high. I list it, because it’s worth it, and that’s saying something. “Fruity and smoky” is on point. It’s a personal favorite that I’d recommend to all you bros. It stokes your confidence, and how could it not? Makes your dong feel bigger. And ‘lots of female attention’ is something you gotta deal with. Get yourself a pointy stick to jab ’em back.

WHEN/WHERE: Daily use- If you can afford it. Otherwise: big moments/important events. Expensive, so pick your battles. $$$$

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Dior Homme Intense

Landmines. Pregnant. Fist. Buzzwords that grab your attention whether read or heard. “Intense” wears its namesake well. You be careful with how much you apply, because it goes a long way. There is such thing as too much, it will start having the Sex Panther effect where people will think you’re wearing gasoline. I’m such a good salesman. I give you all the reasons not to buy something, then I bring em back around! Dior Homme Intense is deadly in the hands of those responsible enough to respect its power. Its game is seduction. It has sexual overtones that are much stronger than the carefree breeziness of GIT. This stuff is definitely a head turner. ‘Dates’ are the #1 situation to wear this scent, but overall the idea being it’s most effective when you’re in a position where you need to win somebody over. It is not ideal in casual settings, as it’d almost come off like wearing a tuxedo to a tailgate.

WHEN/WHERE: Dates. Formal events. Any situation that’s sexually charged, so maybe an orgy? Big Interviews, meetings, conventions. $$

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Tom Ford Tuscan Leather

For: Those long rooms with heavy polished oak furniture and claw foot desks. Portraits of the dude who heads up the Illuminati on the wall. Whenever you see those commercials where homie is in a 3 piece, giving out firm handshakes, probably doesn’t use the word “Bro”, walks around with blueprints. Successful suck bags, that’s who. Nah, we’re just jelly. I don’t have access to the shiny stuff he does, where everything has a reflective surface. The fashionable drugs or cokey models who make yachts all the more yachty. TF Tuscan Leather is perfect for guys who’ve made good life decisions and who press the big numbers in tall elevator buildings or regularly meet abroad to talk about energy.

WHEN/WHERE: Office. NYC. Fox hunts? I don’t know what rich people do. $$$

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