Phones. Fucking phones. I can’t live without mine, you can’t live without yours and, hell, based off our traffic stats, I know for a fact that 80% of you are reading this very blog post on a mobile device. A few weeks ago my Samsung Galaxy 5 stopped taking a charge and I felt like I was going to die. After four hours of tinkering with it, I caved in helplessness of not having a working phone and took it to a repair shop. Those four hours were a dark, dismal place, especially when you make your bread-and-butter running the assembly line of a blog factory.
There is good news, though, for people who find themselves frustrated with all the bells and whistles of modern smartphones. After being acquired by Microsoft eight months ago, Nokia just announced that they’re going to bring back a new school version of the old school brick phone, the Nokia 215. You know, the one your parents bought you in 8th grade so you could call for a ride home after lacrosse practice. According to Microsoft’s press release, it will look like this:
It costs $29 and is aimed at the developing world since it runs on a 2G network. If they were ever to remake a 2015 version of The Wire, I’m sure Stringer Bell would use it as a burner phone.
Still, Mircosoft is calling it “most affordable Internet-ready entry-level phone yet.” It includes Facebook and an Opera Mini Browser, along with a built-in MP3 player, FM radio, and flashlight. Also: Plenty of sweet, sweet JUICE, which is music to the ears of someone whose phone always seems to be conveniently dead in the least opportune time. Mircosoft says the battery can go for 29 days without a recharge on stand-by. It’s almost like they developed the phone completely around popular Reddit memes, like this one:
And the best selling point? Durability, baby. Perfect for the clumsy and accident-prone:
All hail the mighty Brick. Fingers-crossed the new 215 has Snake. If BlackBerry’s Brickbreaker is the MarioKart 64 of phone video games, Snake will always be the GoldenEye.