Which NBA All-Star Is Most Likely To Hook Up With Ariana Grande During All-Star Weekend?

NBA All Star Weekend has slowly become the quintessential weekend to fuck your life up in a multitude of ways. Add New York City into the equation and this just might be the biggest shit show of them all. Instagram “models” will be running around hell-bent on getting impregnated by athletes/rappers/someone with money, there will likely be a club-related shooting, and there’s a good chance your girlfriend could be stolen. It’s a dangerously fantastic weekend. Well, unless you get shot or your girlfriend gets stolen of course.

Speaking of rappers and the possibility of having your chick riding off in someone else’s Uber, Ariana Grande is slated to perform at half-time of the All-Star game that Sunday night. This is NOT an ideal scenario for her boyfriend Big Sean. Not ideal at all. Can’t have your wildly popular adorable white girlfriend anywhere within a 100 mile radius of New York City on All Star Weekend. Various, and I mean VARIOUS, NBA All-Stars are going to try to acquire your girl, bruh. Lucky for you, I handicapped the most likely culprits so you can narrow down who you’re going to make the “I Don’t Fuck With You Remix” about.

(Yes, I know they haven’t selected the reserves yet. We can save them for a later post)

THE EAST 

Kyle Lowry, Toronto Raptors– 3/1

Know how Kyle became an All-Star starter? That androgynous bastard, Justin Bieber, that’s how. Dude’s riding unrealistically high and, given that he’ll likely be rollin’ with Drake most of the weekend, might be living that YOLO life.  

John Wall, Washington Wizards – 2/1 

*Takes out phone, displays .gif*

Carmelo Anthony, New York Knicks – 50/1 

Nope. I mean, he’ll try, but his wife, Lala 1000% implanted a GPS device under his skin specifically for this weekend. Since the game is in New York, Melo is going to be under an even bigger microscope. Toss in an aggressive, attention-seeking Puerto Rican wife and he’s not getting near Ms. Grande.

Look at him, ready to risk it all:

LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers – 25/1 

King James. While his odds aren’t great, he has a chance just on sheer popularity alone. I’m going to assume that Ariana knows, like, three NBA players off the top of her head. Michael Jordan, some black guy that actually plays another sport, and LeBron James. Off the strength of name recognition, the King has a chance to hit that. 

Pau Gasol, Chicago Bulls – 1000/1 

LOL, Pau. By god, I want to see that seven foot Spaniard give it an honest go just to see what happened. TMZ would likely write a wild disrespectful headline comparing him to a pelican or something of this nature: “Tall Bird-Like NBA All-Star Scares The Hell Out of Ariana Grande.” Pau doesn’t deserve that. 

THE WEST 

Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors -100/1 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, leading vote getter, whatever. By all accounts, Steph Curry has absolutely zero game and is still somehow struggling to grow facial hair. Two things hurting his cause greatly. Plus this happened:

If that doesn’t turn a teeny bopper’s vagina into the Sahara desert, I don’t know what will. 

Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers* – 6/1 

Kobe literally shot his rotator cuff off so he’s probably not going to end up playing in the All-Star game. That doesn’t mean Kobe won’t be in attendance. He’s smart enough to use the “Oh my god, my daughters LOVE your music” in and speak some bullshit Italian. Plus, we all know Kobe’s been known to enjoy the company of little white women out of wedlock from time to time. Shout out to Colorado. 

Anthony Davis, New Orleans Pelicans – 4/1 

The Brow might be straight up too ugly to pull this off. Yes, he’s on the verge of becoming the next “best” player in the NBA, but bruh, the eyebrow situation is not helping your cause. Also, he’s built like a pterodactyl and will turn into Godzilla in a few years. Not in the cards for AD.

Blake Griffin, Los Angeles Clippers – 3/2        

Blake Griffin is the NBA’s sneakiest creeper, which is the highest level of compliment that I can give anyone in the league. Dude shares a baby mama with Matt Leinart and somehow continues to ravage the LA model scene undeterred. Seeing how he slangs that D with no regard as is, Ariana might just be another notch on the belt. He’s the favorite. 

Marc Gasol, Memphis Grizzlies – 50/1 

Pau’s less bird-like brother. While not a supermodel, Marc is definitely trending in the right direction from his straight up fat boy days when he looked like the child-version of Lenny from Of Mice and Men: 

Still, that affiliation with ugly big brother is going to come back to bite him.

Sorry, Big Sean. It’s pretty apparent that Ariana don’t give a fuck, don’t give a fuck, don’t give a fuck about youuuuuu.