Blondes vs. Brunettes: The Definitive Breakdown

The Cold War ended like, what, twenty years ago? Al-Qaeda’s jihad is essentially washed up. People in the Congo have a Democratic Republic now, or so it says on the label. Around the world, as society grows more well-informed, conflicts dwindle. But one fierce debate has continued to rage. Blondes vs. Brunettes. Who is better? It’s time to put an end to this argument forever. But it isn’t going to be settled Thursday night on the football field at Edison High during Spirit Week. No, we’re doing it here–on the internet–where rational thought always prevails.

The deal is: Nine categories; Ten points awarded for each. At the end, we will crown one hair color the winner, and then give them a sash, which they’ll probably refuse to wear because sexism or something.

Beauty: In one corner, we have Kate Upton and Brooklyn Decker and a pre-methamphetamines Tara Reid. Hot. In the other, we have that kid who played Matilda and Laura Bush. No. But we already knew blondes are sexier. They turn us on. Think about the last girl you were watching in a porn video. What was her hair color? Trick question: She was a redhead. Redhead porn is the best. Knowing she’ll be into anything you could possibly ask. Let’s bring redheads into this. No need to discriminate against the Irish. Unless you hate the Irish. That’s cool, too.

Round One: Blondes: 6; Redheads: 3; Brunettes: 1.

Sexual Prowess: By virtue of their attractiveness, blondes have never had to work on their sexing skills. People will fuck them whenever they want, so there’s no need to try and be good at it. Bow-ring. Have you ever wondered why all redheads are sexually adventurous? Because they’ve been shunned by society. They has to do something to get people to like them. One day at a convention they settled on sexual deviance. Kudos, I say. Brunettes, meanwhile, have that proper balance of wanting to try new things while also being proud of their existing knowledge library.

Round Two: Brunettes: 5; Redheads: 5; Blondes: 0. 

Future Parent Potential: Does your mother have blond hair? No. She does not. What about red hair. Nope. Normal people’s parents have brown hair. You should look for that in a wife, too. You wouldn’t want your child to grow up as part of some freak family.

Round Three: Brunettes: 10; Redheads: 0; Blondes: 0.

Brains: The average blonde has the cognitive ability to say “Hello” at the proper moments, recall the names of up to five people they met over the past week and know the difference between the types of glasses in your cabinet. All excellent skills in a mate. But you don’t want them stretching to try and impress people. (Are we still Kony? … No, Dear.) Meanwhile, 82% of all brunettes attended Swarthmore between 1996-2004 and are capable of carrying conversations, balancing checkbooks and reading magazines. Excellent traits. Redheads? I’m not sure I’ve ever heard one talk.

Round Four: Brunettes 7; Blondes: 3; Redheads: 0.

Boobs: Redheads have the weirdest boobs.

Round Five: Blondes: 5; Brunettes: 5; Redheads: 0.

Career: Brunettes work for the government or some similar types of entities. Corporations, perhaps. They have excellent career potential and also frequently get promoted. Their pension plans have optimistic growth outlooks. Blondes bartend, teach elementary school and sleep with professional athletes. There’s money there. Redheads are either librarians or high-class escorts or both.

Round Six: Brunettes: 6; Blondes: 3; Redheads: 1.

Faithfulness: Brunettes are the Labradors Retrievers of girlfriends. Reliable. Consistent. Happy. Blondes and redheads are skittish rescue puppies that reflexively bolt whenever the front door opens.

Round Seven: Brunettes: 8; Blondes: 1; Redheads: 1.

The Craze: Do you like the possibility of being knifed during sex? Redheads are for you. Are you worried your most basic of statements will be misinterpreted and thrown back in your face? Date a blonde. Do you like when women silently hold grudges for extended periods of time? You’ll love brunettes.

Round Eight: Redhead: 3.33; Blondes: 3.33; Brunettes: 3.33.

Friends: As most blondes are attractive, and care excessively about looks, they do not have friends. They automatically hate people who are prettier than them, while simultaneously refusing to associate with women that don’t look as good. It’s a small niche in which they search for female companions. You want to date someone who has friends of their own and doesn’t want to spend every available hour with you.

Round Nine: Brunettes: 5; Redheads: 5; Blondes: 0

Totals: Blondes: 21.33; Brunettes: 50.33; Redheads: 18.33

There it is. With over 50 of 90 possible points, brunettes blow (hehe) the competition away. Whether you want a girlfriend who is good looking, can attend events involving polite society, wants to get down and will also give you some space, then brunettes are far and away the safest choice. Which makes sense why men prefer blondes. We are idiots.

[Blonde Brunette image via ShutterStock]