10:00 – The show opens with the backstage microphone voice guy saying, “About 20 seconds to Adriana”. Change the “to” to “in” and that's the title of the yet-to-be-announced porno starring her and I.
10:01 – The first performer we get is Fall Out Boy. I had to hit “INFO” on my remote to make sure I wasn't watching the 2005 show by accident. I'm no marketing genius, but I'm pretty sure my target audience isn't interested in a picture of Fall Out Boy.
10:03 – The first girl of the night to walk out is Candice Swanepoel. They could end the show now and it'd be a huge success. Apparently the bra she's wearing is worth more than Detroit.
10:08 – Taylor Swift is the next to perform. Her outfit is a 2 but her stems are a TEN, a fuckin' TEANN!!
10:09 – I don't know who this slightly-uglier-in-the-face-but-hotter-everywhere-else Rashida Jones looking model is, but I feel like I just saw LeBron James play his first high school game. This chick will be an all-star for the next 10 years.
10:12 – Something I've always wondered about the VS Fashion Show or pretty much fashion shows in general: What is even the goal of these things? Do people actually wear these ridiculous outfits that all the models wear? Are there hot chicks out there wearing raincoats over their lingerie?
10:16 – I have no idea who a Great Big World is, but their lead singer looks like he plays the piano with tater tots in his pockets. Also, try harder to sound like Ben Folds, bro.
10:18 – Nor do I know the blonde sitting next to who appears to be Carmelo Anthony's wife, but I bet she tastes better than Cheerio's.
10:25 – The group Neon Jungle is performing and it's kinda fire. During their set, all the girls come out looking like they got dressed in a female Neverland Ranch. They show Michael Strahan sitting in the front row and he's not even close to being the most attractive gap-toothed person there:
10:33 – They do a social media segment where all the models agree that Cara Delevigne is the most popular VS model on social media with 2.9M followers on Instagram. She's got 2,900,001 followers now.
10:40 – Another Fall Out Boy performance. Not only does the song suck, but they have absolutely zero chemistry with the models when they walk by them. I think they need to book at least one rapper to perform every year to ensure that the models are getting sexually harassed properly.
10:46 – Here are the two best ass shots all night.
No complaints with either of these obviously, but what I do have a problem with is the lack of overall ass shots throughout the show. They either zoom out just enough so you can't quite get a good look at the ass or they ignore the models when they turn around altogether. Let's be honest here, most of these girls are 100 pounds and their tits aren't all that big, so I'd rather see back shots all day.
10:48 – I just ate 7 chocolate chip cookies. If there's one thing I know about super hot chicks, it's that they like a man who's comfortable in his own sloppy body.
10:50 – They're doing a segment about how much the models work out to get the bodies they have. Adriana Lima honestly looks like she could be Mayweather's next opponent.
Also, her trainer's got eyepatch swag for days:
10:52 – T-Swizzle comes back out for the last performance of the night. I turn to my girl and say, “I really like her dress” and, “She's just owning that stage.” My father must be so proud.
10:54 – Adam Levine's girl Behati Prinsloo is the first to come out during Taylor's set, prompting one of the all-time awkward fist pumps from Levine.
(I don't know what's worse—not knowing how to change the oil in my car at age 26 or not knowing how to make a GIF in the year almost-2014.)
10:58 – This is Bill Cowher's face when he won the Super Bowl with the Steelers in 2006:
This was Bill Cowher's face after sitting front row at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show for one hour:
All in all, though, it was kind of a boring show. Don't get me wrong, the girls are ridiculous and the VS Fashion Show is still appointment television, but in the year 2013 it's hard to get excited about girls in lingerie if they're not having sex with each other. Also, my girl made salad for dinner last night and it kinda ruined the whole experience for me. (Just kidding honey, avocados are super delicious and really filling.)