Miss Texas Asking Jordan Spieth On A Date While He Was Sitting Next To His Girlfriend Is The Power Move Of 2015
It annoys me that Jordan Spieth has a high school sweetheart. That’s cool, bro, choose an enriching, fulfilling relationship with your soul mate over plowing a different supermodel every night. Maybe even experience the miracle of having a child and instill in him values and morals so he can lead a good life. Just throw away the key to all your, sorry *my, fantasies so you can wake up to the same person every morning and grow together. Kiss that dirty fuck session on the 9th green at 9 with Paige Spiranac goodbye. Oh and all those orgies with with Instagram models who are looking to climb your dick to the top of Hollywood, ya you’ll be reduced to jerking off to them in the shower. Enjoy spending the holidays with your life partner when you could be fucking tattooed waitresses at Red Lobster on Thanksgiving.
If Miss Texas freestyle rapped to ask me on a date, I’d sell all my belongings to be able to afford a plane ticket and if she asked me to cut ties with all my loved ones if it meant we can be together, I’d drop this in my parents mailbox and delete their numbers from my phone.
It’s been a good 28 years, Dad. You’ve raised a good man. Now fuck off.
[h/t For the Win]