Here Are The 10 Hottest 2015 Miss USA Contestants And The Chances You Have Of Getting With Each Of Them

by 4 years ago

Instagram / Twitter

Pageant season is here Bros, and you know what that means – pageants (duh). Every year oodles and oodles of hot chicks line up to win a crown and sash with almost no significance other than “You’re hot and have the ability to answer simple questions in front of a crowd of people without crapping your panty hose.” But what are the chances of us regular ol’ boys being able to bag one of these pageant ladies for a date night out on the town?

If I were to answer honestly, I’d say -100,000,000 out of 100…but that’s no fun. So let’s go through the first alphabetical 10 of the 51 contestants and see who’s most least likely to spit in my face when I try and snag an autograph (answer: none of them. I get spat on a lot).

(Note: these are all petty, stupid observations. If you take them seriously then please reconsider any previous and future schooling you have under your belt and proceed to lock yourself in a closet and never come out. Humanity will benefit from your absence greatly.)


Miss Alabama

Name: Madison Guthrie

Height: 5’ 9”

Chances You Have Of Hooking Up With Her: Her bio states that she enjoys “church activities” in her free time, and right before I puked up my lunch (Chipotle tastes the same coming up as it does going down) I realized she didn’t specify which church she belongs to. For all we know she’s a Satanist who loves having orgies in swimming pools filled with pigs blood, in which case your chances are probably a solid 9/10. Satanic chicks love weird sex stuff…but if she’s into regular church shit? 0/10, probably not happening ever.  



Miss Alaska




Name: Kimberly Agron

Height: 5’ 4”

Chances You Have Of Hooking Up With Her: Kimberly’s bio says that she’s double majoring in marketing and nursing. I’m not quite sure how those two overlap unless your plan is to get sick people to buy stuff while in a painkiller-induced delirium, but what do I know? It also says she’s a senior at the University of Alaska Anchorage, a school that accepts 80% of its students according to College Board and is described as “less selective.”

But that doesn’t mean anything necessarily, right? Maybe they gave her a scholarship, or mayb-

//…okay maybe not. We’ll give her a solid 6/10.  


Miss Arizona

Name: Maureen Montagne

Height: 5’ 7”

Chances You Have Of Hooking Up With Her: She’s 21 and describes herself as “a proud ASU Sun Devil.” LOL ARIZONA STATE? Come on, this isn’t fair.



Miss Arkansas

Name: Leah Blefko

Height: 5’ 11”

Chances You Have Of Getting With Her: Leah is a student at the University of Arkansas and is double majoring in Broadcast Journalism and Sports Management. Thank GOD, a double major that makes some fucking sense. She also works for the Razorback football team and the Razorback Sports Network, so it looks like she’s got a decent head on her shoulders. Plus, she likes pulled pork:


In other words, this girl seems like solid wife material which means your chances are a fat fucking 0/10.

TAGSMiss USAMiss USA 2015