Airports are one of the best spots for people watching, especially if you’re comfortable assuming complete strangers are assholes. It’s impossible to escape any airport in America without running into these 10 horrible human beings.
Guy who thinks ticket takers can’t read
It doesn’t matter if you’re on United Airlines, socialist Southwest, or the Artist Formerly Known as Value Jet, there’s always someone in the final boarding group that thinks he can slide through with the soldiers and cappers. Not only is he insulting my ability to check in 23 hours 59 minutes and 59 seconds before my flight, he’s blatantly telling the airline employee that he doesn’t think she can read.
Girl who thinks security screening doesn’t apply to her
There’s always one teenage girl who can’t wrap her head around the “all liquids in a 1-quart plastic bag” rule. She has three makeup bags filled with all sorts of shit and is appalled that she has to get rid of them when she’s clearly not a terrorist. You can also count on her to have to go through the metal detector at least 3 times before getting wanded which she loudly proclaims is the TSA agent “copping a feel.”
The McCallister family
This group might be missing Macaulay Culkin, but there’s enough other family members to make up for it. Lucky for you they have no idea where they’re going and are happy to hold hands in a 20 person chain as they zig-zag around the airport. Odds are one of their kids is even on a leash. They’re what the French call, “les incompetents.”
Family who watched Meet the Fockers too many times
Questionable sleep training methods for your kids are one thing, but letting your baby “cry it out” for an hour at a crowded airport gate should be punishable by death. I don’t care how much you love Robert De Niro, if your kid is crying in a public place it’s your responsibility to do what you can to shut it the hell up. Just because you thought the world needed another mini-human doesn’t mean I should suffer.
The woman who thinks you should volunteer to get bumped
Airlines protect their own ass by overbooking every single flight. The result is people constantly getting bumped. Even if you’re smart enough to have your seat locked up, you still have to listen to some woman tell you about all the amazing free stuff she got for giving up her seats. You’re not fooling anyone, lady. We know you’re the one who needs a seat.
Guy who you know is about to bring McDonald’s on the plane
There are still 15 minutes until you begin boarding, but this guy is just standing around holding a full bag of McDonald’s. He has plenty of time to finish it, but he’s saving it for the plane. I love WacArnolds as much as the next fat piece of shit, but you have to be a real prick to bring that smell into a closed airplane. It’s torture to McD’s lovers and disgusting to the abstainers.
Unknown sports team that probably isn’t good
No matter what time of year it is or what airport you’re in, there’s undoubtedly a sports team flying somewhere. As if their matching track jackets from some school no one has ever heard of weren’t enough of a clue, they’re probably holding a casual conversation with another team member 50 feet away.
The woman whose bag is definitely not going to fit
You know it’s not going to fit. Gate check knows it’s not going to fit. And dammit, she knows it isn’t going to fit. You can be damn sure that this woman is going to wheel her 50 cubic foot roller bag all the way onto the plane and ask you to help her put it in the overhead compartment. When it shockingly doesn’t fit, she then claims that this plane must be smaller than the last one.
Guy who thinks he can score at the airport bar
There’s always someone looking for single serving friends at the airport bar. Sure he only has 30 minutes until his flight, but he’s going to hit on every single woman that sits down within three stools. Odds are he even uses the line, “come here often,” thinking that he’s the funniest guy in Terminal 5.
Two fat guys smoking Slim Jims like cigars
Half the reason people play the lotto is because it’s fun to dream about what you’d do if you won. The airport inspires the exact opposite feelings. Once you spot the two fat guys, it’s impossible not to spend the next forty-five minutes absolutely certain that you’re going to be sitting between them. It’s cliche; it’s mean; it’s absolutely true.