6 reasons to stop playing recreational sports immediately

via Flickr Commons

via Flickr Commons


According to the 2009 Census, 269,998,000 million Americans participated in a recreational sports.

That’s almost 270 million people wasting their damn time.

Recreational sports are pointless. Here’s why…

It monopolizes your time

You’ve got games Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, practice on Wednesday and tournaments every other weekend. All of the time people spend either relaxing from work or pushing towards a real goal, you spend running around playing a kid’s game. Recreational teams only need to practice once — right before the season starts to see who sucks, who’s going to be the most important person on the team and who just showed up because he hates his family and wants to escape his house every night of the week.

It’s a waste of money

Here’s where your league fee goes — to pay for old men to show up and referee a gaggle of fat people playing a sport in slow motion, a trophy, and a township official’s pocket to allow people to play on a public field. Actually, all of the money collected probably went right into the wallet of the guy running the league because no one puts up with all that bullshit for “the love of the game.” Ever wonder why the commish gets a new car every season?

You’re not really exercising

Recreational sports aren’t really exercise. Unless you’re the only man on a basketball team or the entire infield the exertion is minimal. I also don’t remember following up a cardio and weight workout with a pitcher of beer and three plates of buffalo wings. Was that in a Muscle & Fitness feature? I cancelled my subscription years ago.

You’re going to hurt yourself

How many times were you injured while playing high school or college sports? Now how many times have you pulled, tweaked, pinched or shredded a part of your body playing rec sports? How often do you limp into work or moan the minute you lift your body out of bed because of a volleyball tournament with all the companies in your office complex? You’re company didn’t win? Wuhhhht? Your company, an environmental research firm full of 50-year-old men all under 5’7 who think punching the ball like it’s attacking their face, didn’t win?!?! Grab the Crayola shade SHOCKED and color me with it!

You’re playing with women (but not in the fun way)

Congrats on winning a championship in a league that uses a different size ball every other batter or discourages players from “being rough” in certain sports. Make sure to display that vagina-shaped trophy proudly.

Unless you’re A) trying to sleep with a woman on the team or B) currently sleeping with every woman on the team, coed sports are pointless. First, if you’re already banging, or have banged, half the team why are you even bothering to show up? Just ask for roster updates every couple weeks (to scout rookie poon) and spend the summer nights at places other than a dirt field.

You’re working towards a meaningless goal

Every night, across American, grown adults meet up at their local park, dress identically, and try with all their athletic ability in an effort to get one step closer to a plastic trophy purchased with their own league dues.

A recreational sports championship means about as much as your Reddit Karma score or all those Foursquare check-ins you logged in back in 2010. Nice to brag about to the three people who care. Those people actually don’t care either but they’re obligated to fake-care because they’re your parents and girlfriend.

Feel free to leave your arguments for rec sports in the comments and I’ll free to ignore them because you’re wrong.