Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘Oblivion’

20th Century Fox

If I was the last man on Earth, I would find all of your weed stashes and smoke them. This week, I went to the theater blazed to watch Tom Cruise’s new sci-fi flick Oblivion. Here’s how it went.

I’m going to spoil the turds out of this movie, just so you know. If this is an issue for you, stop reading and look at some hot chicks. We got plenty of them.

So Earth gets invaded by aliens and they screw the Earth up, destroy the moon and send the last few humans scurrying off to Saturn’s moon Titan. Only a few people are left on Earth to fix the robotic drones that mine the planet for water and minerals and defend it from the scavenging aliens, and one of them is Tom Cruise! He’s lonely! He has flashbacks!

It’s almost the end of his shift and he’s ready to turn in his badge when a space capsule crash-lands and inside is the very foxy Olga Kurylenko, who is the same woman he’s been seeing in his flashbacks. We then find out that the alien “scavs” are actually people! Human people! Morgan Freeman is one of them! He tells Tom Cruise that there were no aliens at all and he’s a big dummy.

Do you remember when that Hitman movie with Olga Kurylenko came out? She was in the posters and wearing a really short transparent skirt thing that was cut weirdly, like with fringe or something, and the effect was basically like you could see the actual flaps of her vagina. It was really weird and when I was waiting for the subway I got kind of transfixed by it and missed my train a few times.

Anyways she crashes down on Earth and then they climb the Empire State Building together and we find out they used to be married, which what? And then the bonkers stuff starts. Okay, Tom Cruise is a clone and the world is full of Tom Cruises and the aliens are actually the people on Titan who are using him to suck the planet dry. What a twist! A twist worthy of Shyamalan!

So here’s the deal: did you see that movie Moon? It’s good. It’s made by David Bowie’s kid, who went on to make Source Code. In Moon, Sam Rockwell plays a totally alone dude who turns out to be a clone in space. So this isn’t, like, original or anything. But that movie didn’t have a Big Climax where Tom Cruise blew up a CGI alien in space, so points off there.

At the end the aliens get blown up and Olga Kurylenko is safe in a forest with her daughter because giving birth to babies is super easy and one of the other clones comes to be with her, but here’s the deal: there are tons of these clones, right? Is she married to all of them? Is she going to bang all of them? Won’t she get tired? Is there lube in the future? This movie was pretty dumb. Don’t see it.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar errors but left everything else in.