Mankind’s greatest achievements, ranked:
5) Dwarf wheat
4) The atom bomb
3) The steam engine
2) The wheel
1) A $375k tab for lap dances
Congratulations to offensive lineman Bryant McKinnie, for pulling off that last feat—arguably the greatest thing in human history. McKinnie reportedly ran up the tab at two Miami strip clubs in a 20-month period. He got sued for non-payment because as we all know, SHIT DON’T COME FREE IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM.
Turns out Bryant McKinnie‘s infamous $375,000 strip club bill wasn’t as “bogus” as he said it was; the 350-pound unemployed offensive tackle has finally agreed to pay off a huge chunk of the alleged debt. $150,000 to be exact. Which, for the average person, equals roughly 4,000 lap dances, not including tip.
He’s already gone to work, too. According to the new documents, McKinnie has already paid $37,000. He still has to pay $113,000, which isn’t a huge chunk of change for someone who’s earned several million dollars every year since he was drafted to the Minnesota Vikings in 2002, but it’s still pretty big.
Listen, as a strip club conneiseur and as someone who passed 7th grade math, I have to question the numbers here. At King of Diamonds in Miami (where this occurred), lap dances run anywhere from $10-20 (yes, I actually called to find out). Now if McKinnie was getting special treatment, that’s a whole other story. Impossible to calculate really.
But if we assume $20 a pop…
$375,000/$20 = 18,750 lap dances
McKinnie has agreed to pay $150,000. Therefore,
$150,000/$20 = 7500 lap dances
As you can see here, McKinnie was getting a 2.5 to 1 deal—which is kind of amazing. Also, kind of sad…but let’s not go there. Let’s focus on the numbers people. This is basically economic porn. Bryant McKinnie shouldn’t be an offensive lineman, he should be a financial manager.
Dude is my idol.