Chocolate toothpaste is greatest oral accessory since Razor Ramon’s toothpick

Colin Joliat

Toothpaste is part of everyone’s morning routine, but rarely does anyone actually enjoy it. That all changes with Crest’s new Mint Chocolate Trek. I just brushed my teeth five times for absolutely no reason.

I set out yesterday to buy more toothpaste, as one is known to do when the tube can be rolled no further, but I never expected to care which brand. I was at CVS just looking to save 54 cents with whatever was on sale. Then I spotted a blue box with Be Adventurous and some weird tree scrawled across the front. I’m as adventurous as a recluse, but I checked it out anyway. Chocolate flavored toothpaste. Mind. Blown.

Until this moment I had three opinions about the entire toothpaste industry – whitening claims are BS, Colgate doesn’t taste good, and someone needs to fix the issue of hardened toothpaste in the nozzle. Now I was suddenly ready to get into jingle writing just to tell the tales of Crest’s greatness. Of course I assumed it tasted terrible, but the innovation was nothing short of inspiring.

Another flavor, Vanilla Mint Spark, sat on the shelf beside this new piece of oral artistry, but as a wise internet scribe once said, vanilla products are for vanilla people. Clearly I bought the Mint Chocolate Trek.

It was 2:15 pm, and I hadn’t eaten in three hours. That didn’t stop me from brushing my teeth for pleasure. I then brushed them again after the requisite Instagramming of this new wonder of the world. It’s everything I hoped and dreamed and more. If The Little Mermaid was written today, Crest Mint Chocolate Trek would be first on Ariel’s list of things to try if only she could be part of our world.

The chocolate hits immediately, allowing for a decadent brushing experience. After 20 or 30 seconds the mint joins the oral orgasm to create a taste not just akin, but identical to mint chocolate chip ice cream. This is as close as I’ve ever been to having my cake and eating it too. I spit it out though because the childhood fear of death by swallowing toothpaste still looms large.

Crest Mint Chocolate Trek might be the best $4 I’ve ever spent on a hygiene product. I did some due diligence for those of you somehow still reading this, and it appears I just got lucky. It’s not supposed to be on shelves until February, but apparently we’re close enough. Do your teeth a favor, and give them a delectable chocolate brushing.