Have you ever craved something that didn’t exist? Sure you have. And it’s time we do something about all the amazing foods that should be available at your favorite grocery store, bakery, fast food place or restaurant but aren’t. Prepare to unleash your inner (and possibly outer) fat kid with dreams of culinary masterpieces that would be irresponsibly delicious if only they were to exist.
Any ideas of your own? Want to comment-smack me with the reality that one of these things actually does exist? Please indulge yourself as I have so clearly indulged myself here.
18 Peanut Butter Mallowmars
Sure, it’s the perfect cookie all by itself, but why not make some special edition varietals with peanut butter inside? Chocolate, peanut butter, marshmallow and yellow cake-cookie…me want.
17 Sausage Made From Bacon
Breakfast, andouille, merguez, chorizo, Portuguese, Kielbasa…it doesn’t matter what kind of sausage it is, further pork-on-pork action with the addition of bits of crispy bacon can only be a good idea.
16 Liquor-Infused Ecto Cooler Ice Pops
How much more delicious could an ice pop possibly get than if it was forged with the sweet nectar of Ecto Cooler and your favorite brand of brain-fuck?
15 Yoo-hoo Pudding
In fact, why isn’t there a Yoo-Hoo version of everything?
14 Edible Paintballs
To soften the sting of being shot, why not sell “paintballs” that are pre-injected with maple syrup, liquid caramel or Yoo-hoo pudding?
13 Pizza Dough Bread
How amazing would it be to eat a classic Italian sub replete with pork-centric cold cuts and dressing or a chicken cutlet sandwich with melted pepper-jack and slathered in BBQ-mayo on pizza dough that has been shaped into sub-bread?
12 Pancake Bread
Yes, I’m aware of the “McGriddle” (but friend accurately refers to it as the “McShittle” for the havoc it has consistently wrought on his digestive system), but why not an alternative? Consumer-ready handheld pancakes shaped into bread slices with which to consume everything from breakfast foods to thanksgiving leftovers would be nothing less than a victory for pancake lovers all around the world.
11 Dessert Soup
I know there are dessert soups out there in foreign lands, but what of the child whose only desire is to melt his ice cream into a soupy conglomeration of hopes and dreams? Dessert soups should include: fruit salad gazpacho, cream of Cadbury egg, peanut brittle stew and gelato consommé.
10 Hot Pocket Dipping Sauces
What kind of Hot Pocket consumer isn’t also a lover of dipping sauces? I have one I make at home (and it works with most types) comprised of sour cream, garlic powder and Tabasco sauce. Still, there’s gotta be a market for this kind of thing.
9 Rainbow-colored food
Forgive the kid in me, but even though I like the occasional black and white film and am known to dress in somber colors from time to time, I do love me some rainbow colors. Rainbow-colored pasta, rainbow-hued cookies, rainbow-tinged doughnuts…the possibilities are endless.
8 Bacon chips
Like chocolate chips, but they can be put into anything from pasta carbonara to bacon chip cookies.
Don’t get me wrong, hazelnuts are great and everything, but what about versions of Nutella with peanuts, almonds or macadamia nuts?
6 Dark/Milk Chocolate Hybrid Bars
Too long have these chocolates stood divided. I care not what chocolate purists cite as “right” and “wrong;” dark and milk chocolate should be united into one delicious candy bar. Ca-CAO!
5 More Meatwiches
Don’t let anybody tell you any different; the KFC Double-Down is a testament to the modern American palate. Every chain restaurant should be making their own version.
4 Funfetti Everything
I don’t care if I’m not an 8 year-old girl anymore; Funfetti is delicious and it needs to branch out beyond the realm of cake. Pie, cookies, candy bars…
3 Non-Potato French Fries
Hummus fries, polenta fries and Yucca fries are not unheard of, but why not take every vegetable possible, mash them into a delicious, seasoned pulp and make them into French fries? Cauliflower fries, eggplant fries, zucchini fries, pumpkin fries, parsnip fries, avocado fries, plantain fries…the list goes on.
2 PBFCCBWCCDSPO Ice Cream
That’s peanut butter fluff chocolate chip brownie white chocolate cookie dough soft pretzel Oreo ice cream. Get on that, Ben & Jerry’s.
1 Bacon From Every Animal
Because why stop at pig?