10 of the funniest Amazon.com product reviews ever written

by 6 years ago

funniest-amazon-reviews-ever

People get bored. That’s the whole reason you’re here, right? Some people, however, turn that boredom into brilliance by creating comedy in the strangest places – like, say, the reviews section for products on Amazon.com. Rude, weird, and just plain hilarious, these are the most epic comedic reviews on the whole of Amazon.

10. Emma Boston Terrier Iron-On

I guess if you need an iron-on transfer of a Boston Terrier sitting in a bed of roses, you could do worse than order one on Amazon. You could probably also do better.

“Did not read previous reviewers warning and applied this design directly to my chest. The $11.99 price tag was cheaper than the $59.99 I was quoted at the local tattoo parlor for the same design. Disappointed in the results. Severe bleeding and irritation, nervous ticks, and occasional dysfunction of my more sensitive parts. Will be contacting the seller directly.” (LINK)

9. Snickers Slice & Share Giant Candy Bar

This full pound of Snickers goodness is intended to be “sliced and shared,” but nobody’s actually taking a knife to their candy, as this review illustrates.

“Me and my friend were watching TV in the basement and drinking some cold ones… Suddenly, a diabetes commercial came on, and we both instantly looked at each other with the same idea, “WHO CAN GET DIABETES THE FASTEST!”. We decided the prize to be a 6 back of beer.

I did a lot of research, and found this baby! Boy is she beautiful… I bought myself a bunch, and thanks to this I contracted Diabetes in a mere 2 months! In the mean time, my friend decided to go the coke route but he got pretty sick of it a month in.

In the end, my friend also got Diabetes, but a month after me! So I got my 6 pack, and all is well in the world. Thanks Snickers!” (LINK)

8. Braza Camel-Not Camel Toe Cover Foam Inserts

You have to expect that a product designed to hide the outline of a woman’s genitalia beneath her pants is going to get a fair amount of mockery.

“My ginormous labia have been a problem since I hit puberty. They’re so big that even getting pants on was not possible if I’d watched a Dolph Lundgren film. I spent most of junior high and high school wearing skirts because I suffer from labial elephantitis. Not anymore! Now I can wear my skinny jeans without looking like I’m smuggling Big Macs in my underwear. It’s a real comfort to me to know that no one will ever know my labia can be seen from space. Thanks, SmoothGroove!” (LINK)

7. Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk

Putting a surface in front of your steering wheel so you can type while you drive seems like a bad idea to us, but we’re no experts.

“I balance a ball on mine and try to keep it from rolling off the edge while driving by tilting the wheel back and forth and using the gas and brake. I must do this well as everyone around me honks with encouragement.” (LINK)

6. Zenith Tourbillion Chronograph

One consistent puzzler on Amazon is the insanely high-priced items they offer – who is really going to spend $78,000 (the sale price!) on a watch online? That didn’t stop people from cracking us up with reviews.

“I wasn’t going to buy this watch, but then I noticed Amazon had it with $58,000 off! What a deal. With the money I saved I purchased a brand new BMW and still had money left over for a Disney vacation. How many watches save you money to buy a car and a vacation?

Now whenever I see someone with money troubles I tell them to buy this watch and save $58,000. I am considering buying 10 of these watches so I can save $580,000 and buy a house on cash. Retirement saving is also no longer a concern for me, as I plan to buy one every year and live off the $58,000 I save.” (LINK)

5. BIC Cristal For Her Ballpoint Pen

bic-pen-for-her

The idea of a ballpoint pen especially for women is ridiculous, and plenty of people descended on its Amazon page to make with the laughs.

“As a guy I like this pen for 28 letters, but then it puts in a period and I can’t touch it for a week.” (LINK)

4. The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China

The thing about Amazon having all the books is that they have all the books, including ones you can’t imagine anyone wanting to read. Case in point: this economic study on potty seats in China.

“I picked this up off Amazon with little or no knowledge of the Chinese situation. It was all just a black hole to me. But, I must say that after a constipated start, I was riveted. Seeing the transformation of Xiao Ling through adolescence and the turmoil accompanying his parent’s gastrointestinal issues until his later redemption at the ministry of lavoratory accessories was really moving to me. In fact, I don’t see how anyone can read this and not be moved deeply and viscerally. I will admit there were parts that I strained to get through. There were other times that I wanted to gush over what was going on; flush with the excitement.

There was also a very nuanced sexuality that infuses the book. Stroke after stroke of the writer’s pen really paid off in the climactic scene. The iconic imagery of Chairman Mao invoked by the village ejaculating his name over and over could not help but overwhelm a reader, though a few minutes after one might be lulled into a sleepily languid state by the diminishing rhythm of pace in the story.

I must say that I was not equally enchanted with the movie version of this. While I normally like Samuel L. Jackson, I just did not think he was able to pull off Mei-Zhen, Xiao’s older sister. Also, some of the funnier moments in the written version just did not come through on screen. I will add that the sequel to this “The Chinese Wood Toilet Seat that Kicked the Hornet’s Nest” was not anywhere near the caliber and of the seminal first work.

Overall, I would highly recommend this. Don’t listen to the “haters” of wood toilet seats out there. This one is a keeper!” (LINK)

3. Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon

I can’t put myself in the mindset of someone who would order their milk from Amazon.com, but thankfully we have hundreds of hilarious reviews to help.

“This was by far the freshest milk I have ever tasted. It still had that ‘new milk smell’.

I poured some in strategic spots in my house and car, so I can enjoy the smell for weeks to come.” (LINK)

2. Denon AKLD1 Dedicated Link Cable

A product doesn’t have to be goofy to inspire a torrent of funny Amazon reviews. Even something as innocuous as a $500 audio cable can bring out the best in jokesters.

“This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be sometime around 2007 for whomever is reading this. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES. Something… happens with them. Something came through, something from somewhere else. We were overrun in days, not many of us are left. WE LIVE UNDERGROUND! ONLY YOU CAN STOP IT NOW. SAVE US. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES.

I don’t have much time. This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be—” (LINK)

1. Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

banana-slicer

Easily the king of funny Amazon reviews, this useless fruit-mangling product has nearly 5,000 reviews, 99% of which are not serious in the least.

“What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!” (LINK)

Keyboard image by Shutterstock
BIC Cristal image: Amazon
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer image: Amazon


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