‘Game of Thrones’ season 4 finale recap: Review of ‘The Children

by 5 years ago

In last week’s episode of Game of Thrones we witnessed one of the greatest, most expensive battles in television history. So, what happened in Season 4 Episode 10’s ‘The Children’? Let’s find out who the big winners and losers were of the Season 4 Game of Thrones‘ finale ‘The Children.’

WINNER: Stannis Baratheon

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


Oh what an eventfully bloody season this was! Like most of you, I’m now entering a deep state of depression, knowing it’ll be possibly be 10 grueling months until next season premieres. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today, is it? We’re here to discuss everything that transpired in the Game of Thrones Season 4 finale ‘The Children.’ So let’s get in to it, shall we?

Last week left off with Jon Snow heading out past the wall to attempt an assassination of Mance Rayder (was I the only one confused & thought he was going out there to strike a truce?!). The perpetually cool as ice Mance Rayder shows Jon Snow a level of respect no wildling would ever receive from anyone south of the Wall. Tension is understandably high between the two. They toast Yrgitte, move on. Then they get to the illuminating trivia about the giant who was felled by Grenn & co last week in the tunnel.

Magg the Mighty, King of the Giants, last of this bloodline that stretched back to before the first men roamed Westeros….Killed by Grenn, son of a farmer. How am I bursting with pride at just being a man right now? You are too right? Someone like us killed the f*cking KING OF THE GIANTS. So that makes us all awesome, no? Cheers to Grenn & Magg. Moving on.

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


Mance tries to tough talk Jon Snow, about their lack of weapons, how he sent 400 men over the wall (where are they now?!)….oh wait, is that a horn? Who are these battle efficient knights storming these wildlings? Oh, right, dat Iron Bank $$$$

If we recall earlier in the season back when Stannis was able to procure funding from the Iron Bank of Braavos to continue his rightful ascension to the throne, there really wasn’t much discussion on how he was going to put that money to use. But I guess now we know.

HBOGo Screenshot

HBOGo Screenshot


The wildlings never stood a chance, they crumble before they had the chance to arm themselves. Stannis has gained some confidence, as his last battle was that on the Blackwater in which he got PUNKED by the Half Man, when they pulled out that massive chain in the water and flooded them with wildfire. So, things are looking up in the Baratheon camp.

Uproxx


Also, it only took a hot minute for Stannis to run in to the son of the man for whom he owes everything at this point. Without Eddard Stark, Stannis would never know of his rightful claim to the Iron Throne, and the two were so similar in their honorable ways they may have been sharing two sides of a double-sided stick up their arse’s. So, Stannis projects those same qualities on Jon Snow, and in this case manages to be correct in his assumption that Jon Snow is cut from the same cloth.

What’s all this mean? Well, with no current Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch methinks Jon Snow just gained a HUUUUUUUGGGEEEE ally when it comes to moving up within the ranks. What’s a bit confounding though is what Stannis’ next move is? He’s as north as he’ll ever go….So now that he’s quelled the wildling attack, does he move on South by way of Winterfell? I guess we’ll find out next season…DAMN YOU SEASON FINALES FOR ENDING THE SEASON AND RUINING EVERYTHING!!

WINNER: Cersei Lannister

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


So she’s unraveling at the seams, telling daddy she plays with her broski’s peepee, her kids are abominations…but she’s somehow rising from her incest-soaked ashes like a crazy a$$ phoenix. She’s now using Qyburn instead of Grand Maester Pycelle to do her medical work, and it looks like Qyburn has some dirty tricks up his sleeves…like, things I cannot even begin to comprehend yet. He’s going to somehow revive The Mountain who was chopped up into oblivion whilst fighting Prince Oberyn AND stabbed with poison?…”The process may change him, somewhat.”…he says… I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t very intrigued to see how deep this goes…

Then Cersei gets to talking with ‘Ol Papa Lion Tywin about how she’s putting her foot down and refuses to marry the in-the-closet Ser Loras Tyrell, and is putting her maternal interests ahead of the family interests. This all ends with her telling daddy how she bangs her brother, he refuses to believe her, then she storms off and bangs the one-handed Jamie again.


Let’s discuss for a second how deep her crazy runs: her woman parts heat up at he mere thought of incest. We know for a FACT that Jamie isn’t left-handed, so in order to preheat the oven he’d have to use his cold, metal hand, right? Now I’m no woman, but I can’t imagine that’d get ye olde oven ablaze. So we can only assume she gets off at just the notion of banging her twin brother….Gross…..oh, then they bang…again…super-double-icky-sticky gross.

Cersei claims she chooses Jamie, and she’s staying in King’s Landing, and her father can go sit on a cactus. Well, as we find out later those arguments against her father won’t even matter. But somehow methinks this won’t end up in Cersei’s favor, as there’s no way in seven hells that the Gods dig siblings diddling each other.

LOSER: the dragons

Macall B. Polay/HBO

Macall B. Polay/HBO


WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*CK DAENERYS?!?!? So the biggest, baddest of your dragons killed some farmer’s daughter (also the title of my next country song), don’t you know what happens in Game of Thrones when important characters lock up their magical beasts? Every time a Stark locks up their direwolf bad things happen.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not heartless, this was some incredibly emotional work by the show’s writers and producers. Some action needed to be taken, but to lock up your babies? In a dungeon? As they were calling out for you? Bad move, this won’t work out in your favor, I’m calling it now. Daenerys, things will only get worse for you until you release your crackens. Listen to me.


We can all take solace in the fact that the biggest, baddest, most murderous of the three dragons (Drogon) is still out there striking fear in to the hearts of the masses.

LOSER: Jon Snow

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


Nobody should have to bury their true love, especially not as young as Jon Snow did. Furthermore, nobody should have to set their one true love’s corpse ablaze…because that’s just not right. Then again, Jon Snow shouldn’t have been in love in the first place, so how are we supposed to feel? At least he finally got the affirmation of true love he needed to hear, from the mouth of Tormund Giantsbane.

But in the grand scheme of things, this particular plot line and scene doesn’t really have d*ck to do with the show’s future, right? She’s dead, she had no family that will come to avenge Jon Snow….all those onions they cut were just to get us all weepy before the next crazy scene involving Bran Stark and ‘The Children.’

WINNER: Bran Stark

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


To say that things escalate quickly is a but of an understatement, but they certainly did. They’re just hobbling along and in a moment of desperation Bran, Jojen, and co realize they’ve FINALLY reached their destination…then blood thirsty skeletons with knives start popping out of the ground and attack them with super human strength?!

HBO

HBO


Nothing’s ever easy, is it? After an all out blitzkrieg from the skeleton demons, Bran’s forced to use his ‘warg’ powers again and take over Hodor to fight off the attackers. But too little too late, Jojen takes a knife in the heart. They’ve come ALL THAT DAMN WAY. ALL THE WAY TO THE FURTHEST NORTHERN NORTH WE’VE EVER SEEN and he just takes a dagger to the chest from a damn skeleton.


Then The Children show up to save the day, just slightly too late. When I first saw the title of the season finale, I assumed it would be a reference to Dany’s dragons & both Arya and Bran…but apparently it’s a reference to these little elfin things that preceded the first men in Westeros, and have long been thought to have disappeared. This one’s throwing fire balls left and right…not sure why it f*cking took so long if they can see all of time and everything, they clearly knew when Bran was showing up, so why let Jojen die?!? But whatever, it’s TV, I guess they have to make it interesting.

HBOGo Screenshot

HBOGo Screenshot


Now suddenly I find myself feeling terribly for Meera Reed, Jojen’s sister. She’s traveled ungodly distances to get Bran Stark to some unknown destination for reasons unknown…only to see her brother murdered in front of her eyes upon arrival. She doesn’t have superpowers like everyone else in her motorcade. She’s now in a goddamn cave full of vines and creepy demi-gods who know everything, and she’s just a girl who’s hungry, cold, and grieving for her lil bro. Ugh, it’s just put me in a funk. I hope I’m not alone in thinking that suddenly she’s been dealt the worst hand in hand in all of Westeros?

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


But things appear to be on the up and up for Bran Stark, he’s found his mentor who’s seemingly as old as time itself. Top 3 quotes of the entire season: “You will fly.” When Bran asks if he’ll walk again, and gets the first (of many?) knowledge bombs dropped on his teenage pea brain.


It seems that their journey and losses were not for nothing, as this wise tree man appears to have it all figured out. But things aren’t always so cut and dry in the ‘Game of Thrones,’ so who knows…again, next season we’ll hopefully gain some more insight…but for now DAMN YOU SHOW WRITERS FOR NOT GIVING US MORE EPISODES!!!

WINNER: Arya Stark

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


I spent FAR TOO LONG trying to decide who the winners/losers were here, and choose just one. Brienne is both a winner & a loser, the same for the Hound, but ultimately Arya levels up and comes out better than she was before. So let’s discuss.

To those of us with an extremely discerning eye we’d known this scene was coming for a while. As HBO leaked a screenshot in their teaser of Brienne’s shoulder facing The Hound. But what we didn’t know is how it’d play out.

A friend told me this morning, that it was the ultimate moment of catharsis for The Hound. Because for the first time he realized the was in fact looking after Arya, and no longer just a money hungry prick. He actually had stake in Arya’s physical and emotional well-being, and he was willing to fight for it.

On the other side, we have the hapless Brienne who I often liken to Don Quixote…as it seems she’s on a fool’s errand. Alas, she sees her chance to rescue Arya…even if her intentions in this situation may actually conflict with Arya’s well being.


So Brienne & The Hound fight, for what seems like an eternity. We see a carnal rage from Brienne for the first time I didn’t think existed within her. As the battle draws to a standstill, The Hound seizes the opportunity to escalate, barehands her sharp a$$ blade….they go at it again….and when the dust settles, we’ve once again lost one of our favorite characters on the show. FML.

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


Arya makes him beg for his life, but ultimately decides not to give him the pleasure of a quick death. His sentence is befitting of a man who went through life as miserably as he did, even if he has massive revelations in his last moments that he wasn’t as vile as he often pretended to be. She takes her gold, and leaves him to slowly rot on the rocks.

His brother’s off in some castle receiving some creepy witchdoctor treatment to revive him from death’s door, so for now I’m going to grapple on to the tiniest bits of hope that someone happens upon him and saves him as well. Arrivederci Hound, you’ll be dearly missed.

WINNER: Tyrion Lannister

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


Even though an execution seemed all but certain for Tyrion, we never REALLY thought he was going to die, did we? Jamie comes along as Tryion’s knight in shining armor, with the help of Lord Varys, and sets him on his way to a boat to Braavos (or other free cities?).

But it just couldn’t be that simple, Tyrion’s gotta get his two cents in…by way of a murderous rampage taking down the two-bit whoooore who stole his heart and sold him to the wolves…and unexpectedly, his father, perhaps the most powerful man in Westeros. Now for some glorious revent GIFs via Uproxx, which you can find more of over HERE:

Uproxx



I’m sure this will do WONDERS for his spirits, murdering his true love…


Killing his dad on his chamberpot, that’s cold. The man more powerful than kings, the KING MAKER, dies whilst shi*tting in his underwear. But if we were watching closely, we might have seen this coming…let’s take a look back to episode 8 of this season & some wise words from LittleFinger:


But there we have it. Our season finale PANTS $HITTING MOMENT. The halfman kills his father on the chamberpot, the most powerful man in the kingdom is dead, and Tryion is off on his way to the far lands (where Arya is going?) and a whole new unimaginable plot.

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


Meanwhile Varys & Jamie were both accomplices, and now left with an absolute sh*t storm to clean up in the form of a dead lord sh*tting.

WINNER: Arya Stark

Helen Sloan/HBO

Helen Sloan/HBO


The Game of Thrones Season 4 finale ‘The Children’ comes to a close I couldn’t be happier about: Arya heading off on an adventure.

She sees the opportunity to use her Braavosi coin, Valar Morghulis, and she’s off to lands unknown. Off to be a bada$$, to hone her skills as a water dancer? To follow in the steps of the face-changing shape shifter who gave her the coin? To find Daenerys and ride a dragon? WE JUST DON’T KNOW. AND I LOVE IT. An open sea of opportunity….


But there we have it, Season 4 in the books. I hope I didn’t bore you too much with my recaps, and I must admit I rather enjoyed you calling me a moron, and a f*cktard down in the comments. If you want to check out any of the previous episodes’ recaps you can do so HERE. We also published a recap last night from one of our editors who’d never before seen the show, and I think you’ll all find it rather hilarious.

If you’d like to FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, YOU CAN DO SO HERE and tell me how unfunny I am. Also, if there are any other TV shows you’d like to see me recap, you can leave feedback down below in the comments….see you next season.


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