The food wars have begun, what with governments cracking down on things like trans fats and fun. And sadly this means that many of your favorite foods will no longer be around soon – at least not in their current form. Sure, some will survive in the underground, traded on the black market by vicious thugs, but then we will be left with the old adage “when cakes are outlawed, only outlaws will have cakes,” and that’s no way to live. Still, perhaps it’s time to stock up the pantry and ready yourselves for the inevitable chaos of the food wars, and there’s no better place to start than with these casualties, nine popular foods that will probably be banned in ten years.
9. Ramen Noodles
Oh, the horror! Yes, believe it or not, ramen noodles are packed full of trans fats, which is what allows them to be so neatly packed together in a block of salvation for the perpetually broke. And recently, the FDA concluded that trans fats need to get the hell out. You do the math. The downside is that every hipster under the age of 25 will starve to death. The upside is that, well, every hipster under the age of 25 will starve to death.
8. Big Gulp
We’ve already seen the first shots fired here, as former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg controversially tried to get the beloved Big Gulps banned from convenience stores on account of they were making everyone fat sugar addicts. The effort was ultimately nixed by courts, but once these things start rolling, you can’t stop them. Soon, Big Gulps will be akin to cigarettes, and even if they are legal, you’ll probably have to pay an outrageous tax on them. Meanwhile, they will be used as currency in prisons, and addicts will have to accept being “shanked” by a convict named Big Bob if they want to get their fix. These are just the times we live in, I’m afraid.
Ironically, margarine was originally hailed as a healthy alternative to real butter. Uh, not so much. The only reason why margarine is able to maintain its butter-like consistency is because it has been engineered to do so using a variety of unhealthy fats, including the dreaded trans fats. One day, many years from now, your grandchildren will look on with wide eyed horror as you relate how you used to eat some weird bio-engineered chemistry experiment. And then they’ll shrug and go back to eating their Soylent Green.
6. Sara Lee Cheesecake
Yes, those bastards are going to give poor Sara Lee the death penalty. That’s because her sweet, sweet crusts are loaded with that boogie-man known as trans fats. Sure, it will be healthier for you in the long run, and you won’t have to worry about getting your foot sawn off like poor Aunt Sara herself, but no one lives forever. Today, the government comes for sweet Sara, tomorrow they’re roughing up Ozzy Osbourne for snorting ants with Motley Crue, and then they’re prosecuting Justin Bieber for consuming the world’s supply of douche. Where does it end?
No, not all popcorn, just the fun kind. This includes both microwave popcorn – trans fats again – and the ridiculously unhealthy movie theater variety, where the butter is pretty much made up of motor oil and heart attacks. But fear not, you can still have fun with plain popcorn straight out of the ol’ air-popper, which is kind of like drinking non-alcoholic beer. Sure, it’s still in the same general family, but what’s the point?
This is just a chemistry problem. Cookies crumble, and that means that you need to come up with something to hold them together. Enter our old friend trans fats, which is taking the quite the beating here. Doesn’t the government understand that trans fats are people too? But the good news is that instead of swallowing cookies to deal with your sadness, you’ll just have to swallow your own rage instead, and while that may lead to a steep rise in the stabbing rate, at least people won’t be fat anymore. It’s important to prioritize.
3. Frozen Pizza
Sigh. Yes, frozen pizzas will also fall prey to the trans fats witch hunt. How does the government expect people to survive in the future? By gathering fresh fruits and vegetables and meticulously preparing and cooking their own meals? Come on, that’s no way to live. Man evolved so that he could just slice open a thin veneer of plastic and toss a frozen pizza in the oven to cook while he took a dump. We’re complicated creatures, we need to be able to multitask or else society fails, much like the ancient Greeks and Romans. Did they have frozen pizzas? No, and look what happened to them.
This is just getting painful. Again, like cookies, this is just simple chemistry. Doughnuts need trans fats to keep from being oily messes. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but it’s true – doughnuts need trans fats to keep them solid and light. Don’t make me get Walter White to show up at your door to explain this, FDA. Just do the right thing.
1. Beef Jerky
You monsters, you have finally gone too far. Look, red meat alone naturally contains a small amount of trans fat. Take that red meat and process it into oblivion and you are left with a highly condensed tube of early death. Still, this would be like hunting all bald eagles to extinction just because they occasionally maul people to death. It’s simply un-American. Plus, you’re just gonna end up pissing off Sasquatch, and that is not a dude you want angrily beating your door down in the dead of night. You’ve got enough problems to deal with, Obama, without Sasquatch defecting to the Tea Party over beef jerky. Sure, America will be healthier, but at what cost to our civility? At what cost, Mr. President?